Shallow Gal

     I was thinking about some of the ridiculous reasons why the characters on Seinfeld (especially George Costanza, fictional character played by Jason Alexander) ended some of their relationships with men and women - one woman had man hands , Elaine’s boyfriend was a close talker , and another young lady was dismissed because she double-dipped a chip.  While seemingly outrageous, people like this do exist.  I’m one of them, but to a lesser degree.

     I don’t believe that having these small grievances make me shallow because I realized, after discussing this with a friend, that we ALL have that one “thing” or several things that may seem a wee bit frivolous to others, but for us, might be a total deal breaker.  For Eddie Murphy, in Boomerang, it was women with ugly feet.  Here are some of mine…What are yours?

Don't forget that tongue!

He doesn’t brush his tongue

Obviously this isn’t something you find out about right away.  So, by the time you do, the realization that you’ve been imbibing years of built-up tongue residue for the last 2 months is enough to activate a gag reflex every time you lay eyes upon your date.  The tongue harbors millions of germs and if we’re kissing, said germs that don’t get ”brushed away”… EVER,  wind up in MY mouth.  Doesn’t sound so petty anymore, does it?

He’s an actor

Living in L.A., you run into millions (maybe not millions, but it seems like it) of people who say they’re actors.  It’s quite possible they are, but I don’t want anybody trying to run “actor game” on me.  If they really are actors, and not just unemployed, they are pretty good at what they do, which means I should steer clear, especially if he’s been in any romantic comedies. 

His name is Earl

…and he goes by the name Earl.  Apologies, in advance, to ALL guys named Earl, but I detest this name.  I even stopped listening to DMX when I found out this was his real name (not that this was difficult to do).  They should have a support group.  It’s just one of those things…

High-talkers

There’s nothing more effeminate than a man with no bass in his voice, or one who has a twang.  Twang = something many gay men seem to acquire over time (when and why, I don’t know), but which apparently extends to a small minority of heterosexual men, as well.  I know it’s something he has no control over, but I just couldn’t take a high-talker or twanger seriously.

He’s a walking fashion flop

"What's up ma?"

 At the time of introduction, if he has committed any one of the mortal fashion sins listed in Male Fashion Flops, he won’t make it past hello.  I know I could be missing out on a “good man,” but I’ll take that chance.  Maybe if I were younger, I could work with a “fixer upper,” but really, attempting to change “upgrade” a man has never been my forte.