Dear TT,
I am 28 years old, and my boyfriend of 5 years recently gave me a promise ring. He is 33. I love him with all my heart, and I sincerely want to spend my life with him, but as you can imagine, my friends got jokes! They say he’s too old to give me a promise ring, and that promise rings are for kids. They think he is just stringing me along and dragging things out, so I will stop talking to him about marriage. He has a decent job, but maybe he feels he doesn’t make enough or have enough money to buy me a nice engagement ring like he thinks I deserve. I want to get a second opinion, aside from my friends, to make sure they’re not just jealous and hating. So, what do you think? Should I be satisfied with the promise ring or is there more to what my friends are saying? Please help.
Signed,
- He sort of put a ring on it
Dear “He sort of put a ring on it”:
This is a tough one. I’ve always felt a certain kind of way about promise rings, seeing as how I was engaged at 19 (he was 21) to someone who probably couldn’t afford the best ring money could buy at the time either, meaning this usually isn’t the issue. If at 33, my man gave me a promise ring, I probably wouldn’t take him seriously either. You’re adults. Adults get engaged and then they get married. A promise to marry does seem like a stall tactic, especially since you said he has a decent job. Have you hinted about the type of ring you desire? This may have put undue pressure on him to get you the ring of your dreams, rather than just getting you a ring he can afford, and therefore caused a delay in an actual proposal of marriage.
I won’t lie, I’d probably be just as cynical as your friends about his intentions. I would basically see the ring as a gift, not as indicating any more of a commitment than being his girlfriend. Some commitment phobe back in the 80s probably came up with the idea of promise rings. I actually don’t see the point. Did he actually propose marriage? What is said during the giving of the promise ring, ‘I intend to spend the rest of my life with you, one day?’ Or does the man actually propose like he would with an engagement ring?
I’m usually not so pessimistic about these types of matters, but I think a promise ring should be taken with a grain of salt. It means very little in the grand scheme of things, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you. I’d just continue on in the relationship as usual because nothing has really changed.
At the end of the day though, you said you love him, so I’m sure you were quite disappointed too when he whipped out a promise ring, and although it’s a little insensitive for your friends to joke about your boyfriend giving you a promise ring, you sound as though you feel the same way about receiving one.
Continue to make it clear that you are not off the market until he puts an “engagement ring” on it. It’s sad that you have to be so specific these days. He’s probably thinking, ‘Beyonce just said to put “a” ring on it, she didn’t say what kind.
Anyhow, I wish you the best and I sincerely hope he doesn’t make you wait too much longer for the real thing.
~30
Ladies, what would you do if your man gave you a promise ring? Is there an age when it is appropriate or inappropriate? Guys, have you ever given a promise ring? How old were you and what were you thinking (no, seriously)? Why did you settle on a promise ring rather than an engagement ring?
TT:
I have not and would never give anyone a promise ring. It seems like something for those who are in middle school.
Posted by Mark | July 23, 2012, 11:53 PMRight!! He can miss me with that promise ring! $20 to the first person who can tell me where this practice of giving promise rings originated lol
Posted by 30thoughts | July 24, 2012, 12:28 AMHonestly, I thought a promise ring was for teenage virgins…I would only accept it, if it was like a pre-engagement ring present. I mean aren’t they side by side at Zales?? I would tell him slide a case over to them engagement rings. I just turned 30 myself and I’d probably be happy with any ring, but if you really want all my eggs in your basket, your basket needs to woven with commitment- um hmm!
Posted by lakendra82 | July 24, 2012, 12:22 AMlol @teenage virgins! How would you know if it’s a pre-engagement ring present?? Hilarious!
Posted by 30thoughts | July 24, 2012, 12:37 AMFirst thing, I don’t even know what a “promise” ring is but to be fair, excluding price isn’t an engagement ring a promise to wed as well? Anyway, I wouldn’t take that as a serious attempt to wed so I’d probably do what 30thoughts said.
Now 30thoughts, does an engagement ring make you off the market? I thought from the time we became a serious couple you were but maybe I’m wrong. If
Posted by petersburgh | July 24, 2012, 2:23 AMGood question @petersburgh. An engagement ring is a promise to wed, but I think the difference lies in what is said when the promise ring is given. That’s why I’m curious to know what he said when he gave her the promise ring. If he asked her to marry him, then I guess that would make them engaged, but if she labeled it a promise ring, I’m guessing he didn’t actually propose.
An engagement takes you off the market because by accepting his proposal, you have created an agreement or a meeting of the minds (in the legal sense). If there is no proposal, then essentially nothing has really changed, as I said in the post, but the fact that you now have a cute little ring to wear. I also would not be wearing it on my ring finger like I’m engaged. Usually a promise ring is worn on the opposite hand’s ring finger.
Posted by 30thoughts | July 24, 2012, 2:53 AMI just read on Wikipedia that a promise ring signifies commitment to a monogamous relationship (pre-engagement ring), but I’m sure w/o the ring, it was assumed that they were monogamous; it also can be worn as a purity ring, signifying that person’s choice to wait until marriage to have sex.
Posted by 30thoughts | July 24, 2012, 3:09 AMwell I don’t need a ring for that then. Buy you a pet instead
Posted by petersburgh | July 24, 2012, 3:11 AMLol!! Promise rings are a joke! If you whip a ring out after 5 years and it’s not engagement ring, we’re going to have words.
Posted by 30thoughts | July 24, 2012, 3:16 AMI don’t understand the whole concept of the promise ring. If the engagement is a promise to wed and a sufficient time period to make the necessary preparations, is the p.r. a promise to promise/commit? Seems like a wonderful way to “put a ring on it” and ensure that a restless woman won’t wander while allowing the guy the opportunity to take his time to “do him”. But hey, I’m a tad cynical and I own it.
Posted by BlueSteele | July 25, 2012, 11:52 PMI totally agree, which is why the promise ring is a sham lol. I also Wiki’d the idea behind a promise ring, which is essentially just a showing of monogamy, not a promise to wed. That’s still the engagement ring’s job
Posted by 30thoughts | July 26, 2012, 12:08 AMMy boyfriend (he’s 37, I’m 39) just gave me a “promise ring” and it IS all in what he said. He is recently divorced (separated for 3 years so I’m comfortable with his level of baggage, I’m divorced too). We are 100% sure we will be married and he wanted me to feel special and surprise me with a ring similar to the one he is making payments on. He and his ex are still dealing with money and minor custody issues. We agree a formal engagement needs to wait until that situation calms down. We also need to consider timing (we have only been together 11 months) for our children’s understanding and comfort. He made me feel special with this ring and I will wear it proudly until the time (6 monts approx) he formally proposes and replaces it with a ring with a commitment we announce to the world.
Posted by Wendy | December 27, 2012, 3:25 AMThat’s great Wendy! Congratulations! But, I still don’t understand the difference. Why not wait 6 months or whatever until your situation has been resolved? What’s the rush? Why not just call it a gift? Like someone else said, isn’t an engagement ring a promise to wed? So, does that make a promise ring, a promise to get engaged? Does he feel some sort of pressure to make it as official as possible bc a promise ring doesn’t really change the level of commitment that exists between a bf and gf?
Posted by 30thoughts | December 27, 2012, 3:44 AMI actually agree with you. I will describe it to others as a gift (though I’m sure my smile will show it means a lot to me). It was his sweet gift to me. I can’t imagine he felt pressure because I already know the final ering is in the works. He described it as a symbol of our personal commitment when we felt outside issues (primarily our young children) needed more time for a formal engagement. Waiting for 6 months (or whenever the time is right) for the formal engagement would be fine but his sweet gift means so much to me (mostly because it means so much to him). I’m not going to insult him by asking why he gave me a special ring before the engagement. If we had been together several years and we had no outside forces in play and a man gave me a “promise ring” instead of an ering I would probably stuff it up his nose! Hahaha!
Posted by Wendy | December 27, 2012, 4:10 AMHear hear!! lol Ok, since you put it that way…I wish you all the best!!
Posted by 30thoughts | December 27, 2012, 4:21 AMOne other point, he called it a promise ring, which I did find odd and is the reason I was searching online and found this thread
he put it on my left ring finger, said he was so looking forward to the future we had planned and that seeing a ring on my finger now meant a lot to him. He keeps playing with it on my finger. I agree in almost any other situation I would think it was very very weird.
Posted by Wendy | December 27, 2012, 4:17 AMThat is odd that he actually called it a promise ring, but that also means that he understands what the gift represents, and that a formal engagement ring is still in order lol.
Posted by 30thoughts | December 27, 2012, 4:23 AMA promise ring was used for women who were “accounted for”, women who had a suitor. It was more for the family to show that they had promised her to someone else. She would take it off when she married, obviously for the wedding ring, signifying her marriage but also to show that her purity/virginity was taken and her promise to God was kept. Which then started the whole purity promise ring thing. Today, it generally means you love this person but a commitment to marry isn’t anywhere near, that is why so many high schoolers do it. My fiance gave me a promise ring while we were in college and to us it meant that we love each other deeply but don’t have the money and that one day when we had the money and were ready to start a life/family together he would replace it with an engagement ring.
Posted by History Nerd | January 7, 2013, 5:56 AMThank you for the background. Did your guy ever actually propose? I do still maintain that a promise ring does not signify anything. Like you said, young people do it, but ppl in their 30s should not be handing out/receiving promise rings to signify that person is “off the market” bc they’re simply not.
Thanks for commenting and I hope you visit the site again soon!
Posted by 30thoughts | January 7, 2013, 9:18 PMI guess promise ring is not only for teen age couple because no one says that it’s only belong for them, everyone deserves to receive a promise ring as long as both couple has the same feelings to each other, besides promise ring is a permanent bond, even if you don’t quite know what the future holds for you both.
Posted by Annie | February 25, 2013, 4:05 AMOk, so I have a que… I am 19, my man is 24, we’ve been together about 2 years now, have lived together awhile, have a puppy together etc, but lately hes been asking my ring size, so we got it, and had me look at styles,but goes out if his way to tell me its a promise ring. Im my opinion it seems like hes just trying to make me believe its that, but in reality its an engagement ring. Any telltale signs its one or the other? We openly talk about our life together, future, marriage, kids etc, and had told me it won’t be too long until we’re married.
Posted by SuffeRing | March 18, 2013, 10:08 AMAlso, I dont see a point in a promise ring. To all whi have recieved one, thats GREAT, congrats!
but for us, I feel like we both have already committed out lives to each other, whats the ring going to change?, so, odk..lol
Posted by SuffeRing | March 18, 2013, 10:13 AMI hope my previous comment helps…to this comment, I would agree! There is no point to a promise ring. Have you been insisting that you two get married soon? Are you starting to put the pressure on? He is likely getting you a promise ring to appease you. To get you to over analyze the situation like women do, men’s actions are inconsistent with their words. He is telling you it’s a promise ring, but he is discussing marriage with you etc. If he does give you this promise ring and you appear disappointed, he will emphatically point out that he TOLD YOU it was just a promise ring, and make you feel silly for thinking it was anything other than that – and you should feel silly. All I ask is that you do not give him the satisfaction of wearing it on your ring finger, which is on your left hand next to your pinky : ) Good luck!
Posted by 30thoughts | March 18, 2013, 9:07 PM@SuffeRing
How is your man doing financially? You all are pretty young, but as I’ve mentioned before, I was engaged at 19 as well, and he called it an engagement ring because essentially that’s what it is. If he’s stressing that it’s just a promise ring (and I say just bc it certainly shouldn’t carry the same weight as an engagement ring), he doesn’t want you to get your hopes up thinking that you all are getting married any time soon once you receive this ring. He may be considering a future with you, but if you are not engaged, and he left, he wouldn’t be breaking off an engagement. He’d just be breaking up with you. So, I wouldn’t put too much stock into getting a promise ring. Why would you think it was anything else, if he specifically TOLD you it’s a promise ring. Wishful thinking?
Posted by 30thoughts | March 18, 2013, 9:01 PMIts probably me just being hopeful, but I haven’t put any pressure on him , if anything, it’s him putting pressure on me. I try to push off when he says itll be soon because I am still going to college, and think it is too soon. Hes not doing too well financially, due to bills from our accident etc. due to past experiences with him, I think hes telling me its a promise ring when it isnt. I won’t be disappointed if it is, I was just wondering what others thought. I would be happier if he just saved his money,i dont need any kind of jewelry, but if it had to be, Iwould prefer an engagement ring lol
Posted by SuffeRing | March 18, 2013, 9:19 PMI’m getting mixed messages though…
First you said he is the one who wants to get married, and you think it is too soon, but at the end you say you hope it’s an engagement ring. At 19, I admit it is flattering to be proposed to, but if you really aren’t ready to marry him, I would make that clear to him, so that when and if he does actually propose, he won’t be heartbroken. I’m not certain what it is you actually want. Also, you can’t trick someone into being engaged. Either it’s a promise ring or an engagement ring. To clear up any confusion, just know that you wear a promise ring on your right hand, not your left. If it’s on your left hand ring finger, it will be construed as an engagement ring.
But, I’m curious to know why you want it to be an engagement ring. Marriage is more than just a wedding and a dress, so don’t get engaged/married just because it feels good to be chosen. If you two are in a financial bind, it really isn’t a good time to marry. Money is the #1 cause of divorce, so you’d be going in with the odds against you.
Posted by 30thoughts | March 18, 2013, 10:16 PMI’m basically saying that if I am getting a ring I think it should be engaged ring, I think I’m too young and not ready to be fully married yet, so I don’t see a point in spending money on a promise ring when he can get me an engagement ring and we can be engaged for a while, instead of just blowing money. I know theres a lot to marriage, but I think we’ve got what it takes already, and we basically do it already
Posted by SuffeRing | March 19, 2013, 2:04 AMI see. Well, it sounds like it really doesn’t matter what he calls it, you’re in it for the long haul
Wish you the best!!!
Posted by 30thoughts | March 19, 2013, 2:24 AM