I could care less about rankings because, at the collegiate level, much of what makes a school “good” is its ranking (or more specifically its reputation) which has little to do with the level of intelligence of its students and faculty, or unique teaching methods which could possibly give its students a competitive edge.  If there are “good” schools, what exactly is a “bad” school?

I was shocked when I read comments made about Ralph Jones Jr., a 16-year-old African-American boy, who opted to attend a Historically Black College/University (HBCU) rather than Harvard primarily because no one should be chastised for attending ANY college. Furthermore, what makes his choice to attend Florida A&M University (FAMU) so deplorable?

It is a widely held MISconception that ONLY the best and the brightest attend schools like Yale or Harvard, since our very own former President, George W. Bush, attended both and can hardly be considered the best or the brightest at anything.  The Ivy League system has simply created a “club” of sorts that is exclusive to extremely bright or rich men and women.  This “club” isn’t actually better than any other college or university, its prestige rests on its ability to recruit the best and the brightest students because of former students who attended and went on to accomplish great things. The only quality that possibly separates “the club” from other universities is its network, but Jones won’t need it.  His intelligence will ultimately take him where he wants to go, not his alma mater.

Everything we NEED to know, we actually learned in kindergarten, and any additional knowledge is acquired in elementary and high school. College doesn’t turn kids into geniuses. They either already are or are not.

The same goes for schools that are known for their outstanding athletic programs.  I understand that some kids dream of playing for certain coaches and schools for various reasons, but Florida Gulf Coast University (FGCU) and other modestly ranked schools are  constantly reminding the masses that players make the team, and thereby the school, and the same goes for its students.  In this year’s NCAA Tournament, FGCU destroyed brackets across the country, eliminating basketball powerhouses like Georgetown and Miami, and unfortunately, my Aztecs as well. Wouldn’t it make more sense for an exceptional athlete to go where he can shine rather than simply blend in with the other talent?  What’s in a name?

All things considered, Jones had good reason to choose FAMU over Harvard, and besides, it’s cold as he** in Cambridge!

Do you think Jones’s decision to attend FAMU over Harvard was foolish?  Do you subscribe to the ideology that some colleges and universities are “better” than others? If so, why?

These past two weeks, have seen the resurgence of the fight to legalize gay marriage, and although I remain indifferent, there are some aspects of this fight that annoy me, and which have compelled me to finally speak on this issue.

Opposition of gay marriage does not equal hate of homosexuals, no matter how you slice it.  This is not to say that some people who oppose Prop 8 don’t also hate homosexuals, but all people who oppose Prop 8 don’t hate homosexuals.  Most who oppose gay marriage do so because of their religious beliefs.  When your core values come in conflict with the law, the law will lose every time.  Therefore, just because my friend is Muslim and believes that men should be able to have multiple wives, and I believe in monogamy, doesn’t mean I hate polygamists. It just means I don’t believe in polygamy, and given that we both have the freedom to believe what we believe, he should not be held in contempt for his convictions and neither should I.

The argument for gay marriage is misplaced. Instead of trying to get people to wake up one day and believe that gay marriage, and thereby, homosexuality are ok (which is HIGHLY unlikely), why not attack the root of the problem, which is the fact that we are even allowed to VOTE on whether certain people can get married or not? That, to me, is the real issue.  If my God says that eating cheese is wrong, you’re NEVER going to change my mind about eating cheese.  Get over it and find another way to get the desired result because that’s not going to cut it.

Stop equating the gay issue with the plight of Blacks in America.  There have been no shortage of gay people on my TV, in film, at church, at school, at places of employment or anywhere else.  Our prisons are not filled with homosexuals (well maybe not until AFTER they’ve been in for a while) and gay people practically dominate the entertainment industry, which inadvertently puts them in a position of mass influence.  There are no straight-only water fountains or establishments and no one makes gay people sit at the back of the bus. MY fight, as a Black women, is BIGGER than the ability to call my connection with another human being marriage. MY fight can directly affect my financial status, my pride, and my future.  I cannot hide my blackness nor does it give me the upper hand in ANY situation or circumstance.  So, pardon me if I don’t change my profile picture on Facebook, write my Congressman, or engage in a battle of wits about whether Mike and Bob should be recognized as husband and husband.  There is still work to be done with regards to MY fight, and there has been for over 400 years.

Lastly, since many advocates are calling this a civil “rights” issue, why have proponents of gay marriage  failed to assert which actual ‘rights” they are being denied aside from being unable to marry in the legal sense of the word versus establishing a domestic partnership? This is information which might help myself and others make a more informed decision on the matter rather than an emotionally charged one.  The Civil Rights Movement was one in which we fought for “rights” – to vote, to be educated, to own property, to be free. We didn’t seek to change the meaning of equality or humanity, only to prove that we should be counted as one whole human being and thus, were entitled to be treated as such.

What is the difference, legally, between marriage and a domestic partnership?  What rights are in question?  What are your thoughts on the issue of gay marriage?  If the term marriage is redefined, where will the line be drawn in terms of who can get married and who can’t? 

Are mantras like “you only live once” and songs that suggest “partying like you’re going to die young” healthy ways of viewing our time here on earth?  I have recently dubbed millennials, the YOLO Generation, because their leaders, Drake and Lil Wayne, have adopted a lifestyle which seems to shun common sense and praise irresponsibility.  In turn, their “disciples” seem to have little regard for their health, well being or their life, in general.

When you say, “You Only Live Once,” what does that really mean?  On one hand, I interpret it to mean, “no fear.” But, sometimes fear is healthy.  It is necessary to prevent us from behaving foolishly and putting ourselves and others in danger.  On the other hand, it can give you the gumption or the wherewithal necessary to be wildly successful and attain your dreams without hangups, feelings of inadequacy or fear of failure.

When I heard Ke$ha’s Die Young lyrics, I cringed. I thought to myself, ‘why would anyone want to die young.’  Does “going hard” now trump longevity?  With youngsters like Lil Wayne and Rick Ross suffering  seizures and strokes at such young ages, it seems as though it does, at least among the YOLO Generation.  When I was growing up, death was something no one looked forward to.  We didn’t even talk about it, as simply the thought of it made us realize our own mortality.

Folks my age are all about their health.  I know my fair share of vegans, or half-a** vegans I like to call vegatarians, HerbaLifers, Shakeologists and those who won’t even let water touch their lips if it’s not organic.  Part of me wonders if my generation would benefit more from having this sort of mentality?  After all, living in the moment and throwing caution to the wind makes for an exciting life.

If you say to yourself, ‘you only live once, so go talk to that guy or that girl,’ or ‘start that business,’ that’s fine. But, saying yolo to convince yourself to pop some molly eh…not so much.  I want to be successful and enjoy life, but I also want to live long enough to see the fruits of my labor.

What does “living”entail? I suppose the answer is subjective, as people have varying ideas of what it means to be successful and how true happiness is attained.  All I know is, I am not working hard so I can pop bottles in a club and drink myself into a coma. I am striving for success for my family, present and future, because ultimately that’s what matters to me in this life.

What is success to you? Do you work hard so you can play hard? Do you think the YOLO Generation is onto something or is their mentality as futile as it seems?

As I entered the lounge searching frantically for a familiar face, I saw him. He appeared quite uncomfortable by my presence. Once he learned that I was apart of the group he gathered therewith, he couldn’t decide whether to hug me, tell me his name, shake or simply stand to acknowledge the entrance of a lady.

He stood.

As I greeted my friends and others I didn’t know, I noticed him watching me.  He was the bohemian type – think Bob Marley sans dreads.  He was attractive although not really my type.

The DJ played a familiar song, and we all flocked to the dance floor, except him. He danced enthusiastically while remaining seated. When my friend and I told him he couldn’t dance that hard sitting down, his friend quickly pointed out that if he were wheelchair-bound, we’d think nothing of it. We laughed and agreed, and allowed him to continue his erratic chair dancing unfettered.

I caught him again – only this time staring at my hips – as I moved them in a slow, almost hypnotic,  wind.

Finally, unable to resist the baseline of Ms. Fat Booty, he freed himself from the confines of his seat and moved rhythmically to the dance floor.  Ironically, he glided over to me and we swayed together but he respectfully maintained a distance.  Afterwards, we sat down to talk.  I immediately noticed he wore a ring on his left finger, and asked if he was married.

He was.

He explained that he and his wife met in Canada and pursued a long distance relationship before marrying.  We discussed the ills of dating in LA, and the inevitable question of why I wasn’t married.

We had a fire conversation, but I knew at the end of the night, I would go my way and he would go his – knowing I met him only for a reason, certainly not a season or a lifetime.  So, you can imagine my confusion when he asked, “so how can we stay in touch?”

I immediately said, “we can’t.”

He said, “but I find you interesting. I want to know you.”

All I could think about were all the married men I had encountered in my past.  I wondered what his wife was like, and if she would go HAM if she were a fly on the wall of the tavern watching him affirm his attraction to me and insist that we be “friends.”

He made a convincing argument, but nothing would change my mind. He did, however, pose an interesting question.

He asked offended, “so because I’m married I can’t have friends?”

It did seem a bit harsh to banish every married man to “no-female-friends” land never to return to civilization, but what could come of a friendship between a single woman and a married man? What would I be getting out of the deal?

“Honestly,” I told him, “I don’t have time for any more friends. If you’re not already a friend, and you’re not going to help me achieve my professional or personal (marriage/family) goals, there is no room for you in my life.  I have to stay focused.”  I know it sounds mean, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. I had to be blunt.

He pleaded his case once again to no avail, and when I readied to leave, he walked me to my car and wished me a good night and the best in life.

I still wonder though, should married men befriend women they meet after marrying? Isn’t this playing with fire?  Can a man and woman who are attracted to each other just be friends?

If you asked most people whether having a mother and a father in the home is essential to raising a happy, well-adjusted child, most would agree that it is.  Rom coms like Baby Mama (2008) and The Backup Plan (2010) explore the plight of the single woman who is ready for marriage and children, but has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable mate.  Both films show that a woman’s decision to voluntarily become a single mom is still looked upon unfavorably by society, and both stress the idea that it is better to wait and find a mate with which to raise children rather than going it alone.

Additionally, as of late, gay rights, and specifically gay marriage, have been a topic of great concern. The issue of gay marriage, often raises another issue for fodder – gay parenting.  Naturally, if you believe that homosexuality is wrong, it would follow that gay marriage and gay parenting wouldn’t be on your top 10 list of causes to support. But, what if you support gay marriage and thereby, gay parenting?

Without getting too deep into the issue of being gay, I am more interested in beginning a discussion about what, if anything, a child may lack or how one may be influenced by having same-sex parents.  In this day and age, when a woman gets pregnant out of wedlock, she is often slandered for her decision to procreate with a man who is not her husband, or in instances where the woman is artificially inseminated, she is deemed selfish and not acting in the best interest of her child even if she is financially, emotionally and physically able to raise a child on her own.  But, why? What I noticed is that it isn’t the “number” of people dedicated to raising a child that made the case of the artificially inseminated mother an abhorence, and it isn’t even the lack of commitment that causes others to shun the unwed single mother. It seems to be the absence of a mother AND father figure consistently present in the home that insights apathy towards the single mother in both scenarios.

Psychological studies have shown that children who grow up in 2-parent households (male and female) are  typically more well-adjusted and confident than their counterparts who do not. Do children NEED a mother AND a father to become whole, emotionally stable human beings? If one is an advocate for gay parenting, doesn’t this directly refute the idea that a mother and father are essential elements in a child’s development?  There are certain things that a woman provides that a man cannot, and vice versa.  Therefore, it would follow that if a child is without one or the other, it would somehow impact or negatively affect the way in which that child views the world and relates to others in society.

I cannot reconcile the two.  Can you? Many men and women who grew up in dysfunctional and single parent homes have struggled to overcome the absence of their mother or father, or both. Is a mother and a father necessary to the proper development of children?   If so, why is gay parenting celebrated and single parenthood shunned? Which situation is more ideal?   

I know this is not the typical insightful post you’re all accustomed to, but I have unfortunately found myself on the hunt for a new place to live, and the search has been quite entertaining thus far.  I despise moving, and had hoped I wouldn’t have to do so again until I was ready to purchase a home or until I got married, but such is life!

Poon and a room

My search for the perfect pad began a few weeks ago, but I just had to share my experience with you all.  While perusing Craigslist, I stumbled upon a posting that read, “OPEN MINDED FEMALE ROOMMATE.”  The tagline piqued my interest, so I clicked on it only to discover that this woman was offering poon and a room.  ”I mean we are living together…Not a perv” she wrote. I couldn’t believe it. But, the asking price for the room was uncharacteristically low, so I briefly considered contacting her to inquire, but I didn’t.  I haven’t.  I won’t.  I can’t.

Rentmate wanted

I finally found a place of adequate interest to compel me to go out and view the room in person.  When I arrived, a woman of about 40 years greeted me at the door.  She seemed pleasant enough, but the room was tiny – Strike 1.  As I looked around, she informed me that she would prefer a roommate who isn’t home much – Strike 2 and 3.  My brief consideration turned to dismay.  I’m paying you all this money, and I can’t even be home?! I gave her the “you can’t be serious” face and shook the spot.  Sounds like she’s looking for a rentmate, not a roommate. She better get a sugar daddy and call it a day.

Cat Daddy

Then, there’s the people with 10 million pets.  Why on earth do you have an animal farm in your apartment? There just isn’t enough room for us all. Someone Something has got to go.  I don’t know if I am allergic to cats or anything else, and I don’t really want to find out. Maybe you wouldn’t need a roommate if you got rid of some of those pets eating you out of house and home.  Also, men with cats are suspect ———>.

All by myself

Finally, I wouldn’t want to live with anyone who has a problem with their roommate having overnight guests or who requests a “quiet” roommate.  So, now I have to tiptoe around my own house? Don’t you have friends? A man?  A life?  Anyone that does, would not put such restrictions on prospective roommates.

Other apartment-hunting annoyances include:

• Postings without pictures (expect ZERO inquiries)
• Genderless ads (This is basic information – people want to know whether they will be living with a man or woman, duh)
• Requesting phone calls versus text or email (We are not in a relationship – I don’t have time to roll calls, especially just to ask general questions)
• Prominently displaying the price that does not include utilities (“So, it’s really $900 a month, not $800, got it”)
• Telling me I “MUST love dogs” (If I can tolerate dogs, it’s all the same)

Wish me luck! At this rate, I’ll need it.

I’ve just finished the last book in the highly-acclaimed Fifty Shades trilogy by E.L. James, and I’m actually a little disappointed that it’s over.  These “erotic novels on Viagra (I call them),” set in modern-day Seattle may not ever be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature, but they’ll definitely keep you reading into the wee hours of the night. I’m sure men and women who haven’t yet read the novel are wondering what all the hoopla is about. Well, I’ll tell you…

Over the course of the three books, Christian Grey, a devastatingly handsome, rich, and successful bachelor, falls madly in love with the feisty, shy, underrated, Anastasia Steele.  Although it is a classic, boy meets girl, love story, expect the unexpected.  Women, married and single, young and old have flooded social media expressing their desire to find their own real-life Christian Grey, and here are what I believe to be the top 10 reasons why.

He’s a freak. Even the most timid woman has a deep-seated desire to be pushed to her sexual limits. Mr. Grey’s character is not only kinky, but he’s wildly seductive, and leaves no part of Anastasia’s body unfettered.

All the obvious reasons.  I am lumping his charm, success, business acumen, wealth and good looks all into one because these qualities play a small role in what makes Christian swoon-worthy.

He’s a one-woman man.  Despite his ability to garner attention from some of the most beautiful women all over the country and around the world, he only has eyes for the lovely, but awkward, Anastasia.  It takes her a while to accept that despite his eligibility, she is the one he wants and loves, but once she does, there is no limit to what she will do, and where she will go to please him.

He seeks counseling for his issues.  I can’t even count how many men I have encountered who truly need therapy to overcome abuse, daddy issues, mommy issues, etc., but they don’t seek help, continuing to make the same mistakes, and hurting others in the process.

He is unaware of his overall appeal.  A guy who knows he’s a “catch” usually comes off as arrogant and most times he is.  It’s great to know your worth, but humility rules.

He’s a philanthropist.  He gives back to those that are less fortunate, which indicates selflessness and compassion.

He gives Anastasia the world.  Women want to know that, even if you can’t, you would give her the world if you could.

He can fight.  No matter how big or small, every man should be able and willing to protect and fight for the woman he loves.

He’s exciting.  Once Anastasia meets Grey, there’s never a dull moment.

He’s flawed.  Perfection is highly overrated.  Own your imperfections; someone will love you just the way you are.

There are more qualities I could list, but these are my top 10.  Ladies, what would you add? I’ve also included pictures of men that I think should play Grey in the much anticipated film adaptation.  Who do you think should play Grey?

I know, I know. Usually, I have something insightful, brilliant and poignant to say, but not today. All I really want to know is, do you have a crush on someone that most people wouldn’t regard as crushworthy?  I do, so I know some of you probably do too.

Some brave men have divulged secret crushes who have ranged from pleasantly plump, Monique, to featherweight, LeAnn Rimes. There’s just no telling!

My celebrity “unlikely crush” is a twin and the member of a large successful Hollywood family.  The one thing my crush has in common with all other men who pique my interest is his sense of humor. He’s actually downright goofy, but he makes me laugh and has a great smile to boot. Can you guess who my unlikely crush might be?

To find out who my “unlikely crush” is, and share yours follow me on Twitter @thirtythoughts using hashtag #unlikelycrushes or leave your comment here.

What celebrity secretly could get it? Who does it for you that probably doesn’t really do it for anyone else? 

Historically, tough love was reserved for extreme cases where parents were left with little or no choice but to excommunicate their children from the home.  These kids were the worst, either on drugs, in and out of jail  or just plain ‘ol defiant.  But, today’s parents have started a new,  lesser form of tough love I like to call embarrassment parenting.  Whoever came up with these “shame signs” is brilliant and has clearly mastered the art of parenting.

This kid’s sign is barely legible; clearly he’s not learning anything in school…smh

This method of discipline is so effective that, for once in my life, I’m glad I wasn’t born in the digital age.  For someone like myself, who’s not a big fan of beatings and lashings (still popular forms of discipline for parents), embarrassment parenting is ideal because it does not harm the child physically, emotionally or mentally, and actually appears to be quite effective.  Not only is it embarrassing, but during their time holding these signs, it keeps them from engaging in activities they enjoy, which is equivalent to taking away their privileges.  One couple required their son to hold up a sign regarding his class clowndom on a local street corner during his entire spring break as sort of a “last resort.”  His parents later reported that he had, as a result, promised to do better in school.

Some have expressed an aversion to this type of discipline because they perceive the embarrassment experienced to be emotionally damaging to the child. I disagree.  I can recall many times when I was embarrassed in my younger days. It didn’t scar me, but rather ensured that I would never repeat the behavior which caused the embarrassment in the first place.

One child was met with a note [see below] after returning home past his curfew. This is one of my favorites thus far, and probably should have been employed by Creflo Dollar instead of the “hands-on” approach he chose which ultimately landed him behind bars months ago.

I will leave you with this story, courtesy of my brother, who always pushed the envelope when it came to testing my mother’s patience in his adolescence.  Now that he has children of his own, I’m sure he will appreciate the comical value of this particular incident.

One Sunday afternoon, as usual, my mom stopped by the grocery store after church to pick up something to cook for dinner.  Often, I would stay by my mom’s side, but my brothers would go straight to the magazine section of the store and remain there until it was time to go.  My mother hated rallying everyone up when she was ready to leave, so this time, she told us if we were not outside by the car when she was ready to go, we would have to find our own way home.

[NOTE: Unlike today's churchgoers who can be seen wearing  anything from skinny jeans to miniskirts in the house of the Lord, my brothers wore full suits and I wore dresses with stockings.]

When my mom finished unloading the groceries, I realized my brother, was nowhere in sight.  Rather than go look for him and also risk being “left behind,” me and my oldest brother got in the car, and my mom, without a second thought, drove away.  I thought to myself, ‘wow, she’s serious, she’s really going to leave.’  I looked back from the passenger seat of the car in dismay only to see my brother standing at the door to the grocery store watching us pull away.  At that moment, he realized he was going to have to make the trek from the grocery store home (approximately 7 miles) in a two-piece suit in the hot California sun.  Needless to say, from that point on, my brother was always front and center whenever it was time to leave the store – any store, any day, no matter what.

What do you think of these new methods of parenting? If you have kids, what are some non-violent tactics you’ve used to get your children to behave? If you do not have children yet, do you plan to use some of these methods to get your children to obey?  Do you think embarrassment parenting works?

Ironically, just days before Father’s Day, on June 8, megachurch pastor, Creflo Dollar, was arrested for choking, slapping and physically restraining his 15-year old daughter during an argument that ensued regarding her desire to attend a party.  Her story was corroborated by her 19-year old sister, and there were some physical signs of injury.  Initially, I was only going to address the Dollar matter as it pertains to an article written on thegrio.com, which incited numerous irrational and egregious comments in support of Dollar’s violent parenting methods.

However, I realized that there is a bigger issue to be addressed here, and that is that daughters learn from their fathers how to treat men and how she should allow men to treat her.  A father’s absence or presence, actions or inaction, affection or lack thereof play a major role in his daughter’s future dealings with men.  So, with stories like Dollar’s, it is no wonder so many women today are confused by acts of physical, sexual and verbal abuse by their significant others and spouses although it is so clear to others that this behavior is unhealthy, inexcusable, and the anithesis of love.

My father was the first man in my life.  I looked at my father with admiration and awe because he was this strong, fearless being that seemed untouchable and infallible.  Was he? Of course not.  But, my perception of him helped shape my perception of men in general, and probably dictates, more than I’d like to admit, what I ultimately look for in a partner.  Although my mother practiced this extreme form of discipline heralded in the black community, my father refused to rear me in the same manner.  He never laid a hand on me, but I respected him still.  As a result, I learned that a man’s touch should be gentle, never harsh; his words firm, yet still loving and kind.  These were some of the lessons I learned from my father.

The Grio article placed Dollar in the same category as other notorious abusers, namely R. Kelly and Chris Brown.  Many of those who commented didn’t feel that Dollar should have been included in an article about men who abuse women because the woman he struck was his own daughter.  I cited this reasoning as psychotic.  If anything, it is far more emotionally damaging for a father to treat his daughter this way.  One idiot commenter wrote the following, and my blood has been boiling ever since:

Let’s see — a 15 year old disrespectful defiant teen daughter attempting to go to a party at 1:00 A.M. against her father’s parental authority and gets the living shyte knocked out of her is hardly in the same category as Chris Brown or R. Kelly. It is called “tough love” and the father was right.

Unfortunately, Christians have been relying on the scripture, “spare the rod, spoil the child” (Proverbs 13:24) since the beginning of time in order to justify beating their children, but did God really mean that we should use an actual rod? I seriously doubt it.  Due to the misinterpretation of this scripture, some parents have used belts, shoes, switches (a twig or skinny tree branch), wet towels, extension chords, and other objects that were within their reach in order to discipline their children all in the name of NOT sparing the rod.  Most will even brag about the beatings they administer to anyone who will listen.  But, why haven’t we stopped to consider what exactly it is we are teaching our children by beating them into submission rather than utilizing other non-violent forms of punishment?

What’s also interesting is that black on black crime is still more prevalent than ever.  Additionally, the numbers of those incarcerated and dropping out of school is still alarming, and alcohol and drug abuse plague our community, especially our men, most.  Yet, we still feel we are doing something right by beating the “s***” out of our children.  Simply put, violence breeds violence.  Why would the result be any different in a familial setting?

Furthermore, children have already developed their character by age 7, so efforts to curb unwanted behavior by force, especially at age 15, are largely futile. As I stated in response to the the commenter above, Dollar would have gotten jail time for doing what he did to a dog, so at the very least, legally, he was wrong. He could have simply told her if she left the house, not to bother coming back.  I’m certain she would have stayed.

I wrote an article a while back titled, “How Were You Raised?” In it I discussed how I felt this form of discipline commonly practiced in the black community stifled me and contributed to a lack of professional confidence, well into adulthood. I still believe this to be true.  From our parents, we learn how to deal with feelings of anger and sadness, we are taught how to treat others, and conversely, how we should allow others to treat us.  Maybe this cycle of abuse is why we still have so many women who question whether a man loves them, even after he has hit her, cheated on her repeatedly or torn her down with words.    What seems so obvious to us is unrecognizable to her, but these are all lessons from our FATHERS.

Happy Father’s Day to my dad, George M. Brown, and to yours…