relationship rhetoric

Love lockdown: The cons of online dating


     Sites like Match.com and eHarmony have got the love game locked down.  But, after days months of research, I quickly realized that online dating is simply not for me. From the grocery store-style search methods to the unbelieveably ridiculous photos (wish I could share the ones I’ve come across), I found the experience to be impersonal and far too tedious.

So what, you ask, is my problem?  Among other things, these were my main qualms with the online dating process:

#1 I feel like I’m selling myself, literally. 

I feel as though I am trying to convince someone to like me and send me a wink or engage in lengthy email exchanges with me based on how witty my profile is, and more importantly, how attractive I am.  The problem with this is, I’ve NEVER had to “sell” myself before, and I’d rather not start now.

Are you buying what she's selling?

#2 Posting a profile picture makes me feel vulnerable.

During my research, I couldn’t even bring myself to upload a photo.  Uploading a picture would have made me feel like I do when I have to wear those “Hello, my name is…” nametags at networking mixers.  I avoid wearing those nametags AT ALL COSTS.  It’s the same with posting pictures.  I’m totally putting myself out there…naked to the WORLD and I don’t like that feeling.

#3  Cyberjection (yes, I made this up). 

Essentially, if no one winks at you or sends you a message showing interest on a daily basis, you are being rejected, DAILY.  Subjecting oneself to DAILY rejection may be nothing new for a man, but for a woman, it’s got to hurt.

#4  I hate dating. 

Anyone who knows me knows why I hate dating.  I’m TIRED of telling my story, as interesting and melodramatic as it may be.  Also, I’m a private person when it comes to matters of the heart, so telling my life story, likes and dislikes to nameless, faceless (who I think I’m talking to may not be who I’m talking to) strangers doesn’t appeal to me.  Again, it makes me feel exposed and common.  Even if a guy on the street tries to holla at me, I have a problem giving him my real name if I’m not interested.  I want “knowing me” to be a prize that only a handful of people can claim.

With that being said, here’s what would make online dating more appealing to people like me:

  • Posting photos should be optional.  I should not be required to post a photo. I should be able to share photos at my discretion.
  • ALL online dating sites should be free.  This way, the ones that require payment won’t be the only ones with quality men and women seeking quality men and women. I thought love didn’t cost a thing.
  • To maintain the integrity of the site, married people or people simply looking for a “good time” should be redirected to other websites like Ashley Madison or Craigslist, primarily focused on fostering these types of “relationships.”  Dating sites should be a place for people seeking meaningful relationships to meet others looking for the same. Of course, every person you meet may not turn out to be “the ONE,” but that should, at least, be their intent.  These other people looking to make friends and have affairs are clogging the e-waves. 
  • Dating sites should host live mixers locally for their members, for those of us who thrive in social settings and don’t enjoy talking to people we’ve never met before.

In closing, I’d say the best free online dating site is Okcupid.com, simply because it looks a little less sleazy than others like plentyoffish.com. That’s it.  There’s no other rhyme or reason.

That’s my two cents.  What has been your experience with online dating? Would you recommend it to a friend? What’s your favorite site?

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Discussion

4 thoughts on “Love lockdown: The cons of online dating

  1. You don’t need these sites! You have so many offline alternatives. You are a million times more interesting and attractive in person than in 2D, even though you model and your picture can move products! Just hang out with the right people, meet good people and they will approach you.

    Posted by Ahmed | June 3, 2011, 6:41 AM
    • “You don’t need these sites! You have so many offline alternatives. You are a million times more interesting and attractive in person than in 2D, even though you model and your picture can move products! Just hang out with the right people, meet good people and they will approach you.”

      🙂 You are too kind Mr. Shaikh. I am inclined to agree!

      Posted by thirtythoughts | June 3, 2011, 7:11 AM
  2. 1. You are selling yourself on online dating sites….but you’re selling yourself in real life too. Everytime you make sure your hair and nails are done, your outfit is nice, your perfume is dabbed behind your ears, the small talk when yo meet someone, the lengthy conversations on dinners dates, all of it is selling yourself. At least when you have an online profile, you done in about 10 minutes what it would take a month to accomplish.

    2. But you walk around wearing your face everyday…so whats the difference?

    3. Again, people don’t wink, blow kisses, smile at you, etc on a daily basis in real life either so do you feel like you are being rejected by every man that walks past you everyday too? And if so, then again, whats the difference?

    I don’t frequent any online dating site and never have lol. But then again these days facebook has turned into a dating site in its own right.

    Posted by Confused | June 6, 2011, 9:42 AM
    • “You are selling yourself on online dating sites….but you’re selling yourself in real life too. Everytime you make sure your hair and nails are done, your outfit is nice, your perfume is dabbed behind your ears, the small talk when yo meet someone, the lengthy conversations on dinners dates, all of it is selling yourself. At least when you have an online profile, you done in about 10 minutes what it would take a month to accomplish.”

      “But you walk around wearing your face everyday…so whats the difference?”

      I get what you’re saying, but I think the difference is, online, you’re putting yourself on display, or putting yourself “out there” so to speak. You’re intentionally posting pictures SEEKING or EXPECTING feedback, whether that feedback is a wink, a date or someone acknowledging your attractiveness.

      On a day to day basis, I’m not putting myself out there. I don’t wear make-up at all and I’m not looking my best MOST of the time, so I certainly don’t EXPECT attention, and therefore, wouldn’t feel rejected if no one hit on me throughout the course of the day. Online dating on the other hand, is the equivalent of getting all dolled up (posting your best pictures online), paying to get into a club (paying for a monthly membership), and leaving without anyone acknowledging you or showing interest in getting to know you better (no winks, no dates). The major difference is this occurs on a DAILY basis. You’re looking your best and putting your best foot forward (selling yourself) and still not getting attention the attention you desire. No thanks!

      Posted by thirtythoughts | June 6, 2011, 10:51 PM

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