Common Sense Diaries, relationship rhetoric

Dear TT: Should broke men date?


Dear TT,

I am a young man in my early 30s. I make a decent living, but I’m by no means where I want to be financially.  I often see women that I’d like to spend time with, or get to know, but I feel like if I don’t take them somewhere nice or spend a significant amount of money on them, they won’t give me the time of day.  I’m not cheap, but I earn a modest living and I refuse to live beyond my means. I don’t depend on anyone for anything, don’t live with my mother, I have no children and I’ve never been married.  I would really like to have someone special in my life, but sometimes I think I’m too broke to date.  What do you think?  If a man is not able to wine and dine a woman, should he sit it out until he is? How do women generally feel about this?

– Craig S.

Dear Craig:

Thank you for sharing.  First of all, I truly believe that men impose these requirements on themselves.  Most men probably feel the same way you do, that if they can’t afford to wine and dine a woman, they shouldn’t date.  And realistically, there are some women who feel this way too. But, I think the vast majority of women would not agree with your sentiments. 

Although it is customary and chivalrous to pay when you have asked a woman out on a date, there is no hard and fast rule as to where you have to take her and how much you have to spend.  In the current state of our economy, we’re all a little bit “strapped” for cash, and if a woman likes you, she will not likely be turned off if you take her on a nice, yet inexpensive date.  Spending an outrageous amount of money on dates to impress a girl, while flattering, isn’t at all necessary.  I understand that it hurts a man’s pride when he can’t pull out all the stops when taking a girl out, and THIS is what is hindering YOU from dating rather than the thought that women don’t want to date you because you’re not wining and dining them. 

Why should a man delay his quest to find love just because he doesn’t make the kind of money that would allow him to splurge on a potential mate?  As long as he can afford to support himself, I don’t think it’s fair to exclude him from the dating game. Besides the dinner and movie date is overdone and outdated.  I think a guy would score more points for creativity if he decided to forego dinner at a swanky restuarant and take his date to a live concert in the park or a county fair instead.  Also, depending on whether it’s a first or fifth date, you should go somewhere where you all can talk and really get to know one another.  Most places where this is the case (aside from fancy restuarants) are relatively inexpensive – a coffee shop or coffee house (entrance is usually free) ($10 total for vittles) , hiking (free), or a picnic ($20). 

In a large city like L.A., there is no logical reason why any man should limit his options to fine dining and popping bottles.  The bottom line is, if a woman likes you, she won’t care where you go or how much money you spend, as long as it appears that you put some effort into the date, meaning you planned the date by yourself, you’re a gentleman, and the activity or date takes her interests into account.  For instance, if she told you in conversation that she loves art, and in turn, you take her to an art museum – score.  But, if she’s a girly girl who cries when she breaks a nail and you take her to the batting cages, you likely will not be considered for a second date.  A”date” is just a way to get to know another human being by engaging in some sort of activity that lends itself to doing just that. Get out there and date, and if you find that the women you’re encountering are unappreciative of your low-budget approach, you are choosing the wrong women.  Good luck, and again, thanks for writing in.

Do you all agree with my advice to Craig? Should a guy who is not financially set be actively dating?  Ladies, do you determine how far the “relationship” will go based on how much a guy spends on you? Guys, do you ever feel like dating is too expensive?

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Discussion

15 thoughts on “Dear TT: Should broke men date?

  1. GREAT advice TT. Craig never stop looking. Girls just really want a nice guy! My friend Joel Steingold writes a blog “Dating on a Dime in LA” for folks in your situation…ie, all of us ;-). Go to http://Datingonadimeinla.blogspot.com/. Good luck and happy dating.

    Posted by claudia | October 5, 2011, 1:31 AM
    • Girls just really want a nice guy

      Are we still promoting this in 2011… iCant

      Now… “Craig….. CRAIG” (Friday)… If you are the monogamous relationship type dude… Date & find a girl with more paper than you… If you love her… MARRY her… And you straight…

      Being a provider is not required anymore in this close to egalitarian society…

      SSTTE

      Posted by Adonis (@MOTRenaissance) | October 7, 2011, 2:34 PM
      • @Adonis We do!! Of course, that’s not ALL we want. Just like guys want a girl with a banging body, but that alone doesn’t make her wife material. We want the total package, but being a nice guy is part of that package.

        Posted by 30thoughts | October 10, 2011, 9:17 PM
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    Posted by horny hot | October 6, 2011, 10:23 AM
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    Posted by Palmer Winthrop | October 7, 2011, 1:16 PM
  4. Great post!

    Posted by horny hot | October 9, 2011, 9:17 PM
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    Posted by horny hot | October 9, 2011, 11:06 PM
  6. Great Advice TT.

    Craig S. – If a woman requires that a significant amount of money is spent on her in order for the two of you to date, run the other way and don’t turn around regardless of the reason you were attracted to her. Money comes and goes, and if that is the thing that draws a woman to you or opens the door, that door will most certainly close should your financial situation ever change (negatively).

    Mark

    Posted by Mark | October 11, 2011, 4:43 AM
  7. I think it depends on what the man wants and what the women he dates wants. If he is looking to settle down and the women he dates want the same then after so many cheap dates they will start to analyze his finances to ascertain if he will be a suitable potential husband and father, money will factor into this. Everything will be cool while he’s just “dating” but when things start to get serious, this could pose a bit of a problem depending on their situation.
    Also if he is dating a chick broker than him with no car it could be more costly for him.
    Honestly my advice is to date and have fun and find free and cheap stuff to do. This is very easy to do in the summertime because the weather is nice and u can always eat icecream or italian ices and walk in the park or something. In the wintertime it may cost more to do stuff and u dont’ want to walk around outside in the cold and if the weather is bad depending on where u live. However your main focus should be on getting your finances straight, as opposed to a serious relationship. Once your finances are straight, then u can focus on more than just casual dating.

    Posted by Bree | October 5, 2012, 10:56 PM
    • I agree that it depends on what the guy is looking for – a good time or a wife. If a good time, I think he can get away with dating a being broke. If he’s looking for something serious, his financial status may be an issue depending on the type of woman he’s dating. But, many women would date a man who is not financially “together” (Michelle Obama), especially if she is doing well for herself.

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 6, 2012, 12:35 AM
  8. I’m dating a guy that is broke and it gets weird when we talk about money.
    I’m not in the position to give him money though I have but I feel like breaking up with him.
    He’s a nice guy and I care about him. we’ve been together for a year now but it just won’t work.
    I don’t think broke people should date, patch up yourself and your finances first, then find a girl who has the right
    motives and who is also financially stable.

    Posted by Jodiana | November 25, 2013, 4:51 AM
    • @Jodiana I feel you. It can be daunting, but why won’t it work? Is it that you don’t go places or do things or is his financial situation bringing the mood down, and therefore bringing the relationship down?

      Posted by 30thoughts | November 27, 2013, 3:09 AM
  9. That’s so great of an idea and answer. I agree with you. I think is all about if she likes you, not necessarily spending a lot on her just to impress her.

    Posted by Anthony | September 15, 2014, 3:29 PM

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  1. Pingback: What Is A Date? « 30thoughts - June 7, 2012

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