relationship rhetoric

Signs He May Be Gay

After many years of anxiety surrounding the possibility that I could end up dating a gay man without knowing it, I am finally ready to have this discussion.

For a while, I hadn’t wanted to touch this topic with a 10-foot pole because of its sensitivity and political implications, but lately homosexuality has been at the forefront of my mind and an issue of growing public and legal importance.   As many of you know, days ago,  R&B singer, Frank Ocean, openly admitted that he essentially is gay, being that his first love was in fact a man.  Yet, even before Ocean’s big reveal, I had become frustrated with being unable to tell if guys who were romantically interested in me were gay.  I scoured the internet for articles to help me recognize the signs, but all of them, some ridiculous and some rather logical, eventually conceded that there really is no way of knowing whether a guy is gay unless he openly admits it.

As a single woman, I am unapologetically terrified that I might accidentally date, or even worse, fall in love, with a gay man.  For some women, this may not be a problem (no Jada Pinkett).  But, unless the man in question is flamboyant or has admitted to engaging in gayctivities, how will we ever know?

When the unthinkable happened to author, Terry McMillan, everyone, including me, was unsympathetic towards her because she claimed she didn’t know her husband was gay.  How could she not have known?  He was prettier than her and his mannerisms were extremely telling, yet, she was none the wiser (so she says).  There are men who are obviously gay, but then there are men who show no signs that they pledge allegiance to the rainbow flag, so what’s a girl to do?

First, I should make clear MY definition of gay.  [Homosexual adj. A man or woman who is physically or sexually attracted to someone of the same sex]; notice this does not take into consideration whether that person actively engages in homosexual behavior.  Given my definition, you can see why it is, at times,  impossible for me to determine whether the object of my affection is or could be gay.  How do you know someone’s thoughts unless they share them with you?  I have pretty much decided to follow my instincts, and pray about it.  Doing so, I can’t go wrong.

Also, over the years, I have been advised to look at a number of things – the way a man walks, where he lives (cities known for being gay metropolises), his mannerisms and tone of voice, the “finger test” (but some men might like to be stimulated “back there” by their women, so by my definition this wouldn’t necessarily make him gay), he has gay male friends, he’s 40+ and never been married with no kids, he’s a celebrity lol, he likes musicals or the arts A LOT but hates sports, his fashion sense, his relationships with women or lack thereof, promiscuity or objectification of women, and even personal hygiene (ridiculousness like him wearing Secret deodorant (it is strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman).  However, are any of these really signs?  Many gay men profess to be able to tell, but sometimes their gaydar is off, as well.

Unfortunately, I have become so consumed with knowing whether my guy likes T&A or B&A (you’ll figure it out) that certain behaviors have caused me to end relationships, or not engage in relationships altogether with men that I felt exhibited too many of these behaviors.

This could be hurting, not helping me, so I beg you to enlighten me.  Guys, gay or straight, are there are any signs you care to share? Ladies, are there any signs that I missed or that you swear by?



21 thoughts on “Signs He May Be Gay

  1. TT:

    There are signs but let me preface my list by stating that this is by no means an infallible list. I recommend a woman begin to look further in to the situation if she sees any of the following:

    – Gay male friends with whom they hang out (The majority of straight guys do not kick it with gay guys)

    – The eyes are the windows to the soul. Pay close attention to the way in which he looks at other men. I always know if a woman has an interest in me by the way she looks at me and I can normally see it in others. I have actually figured out people were having affairs by watching how they looked at a particular person (in situations where they were trying to hide it) and asking those close to them. There’s a great line in the film 3:10 to Yuma which seems so fitting, “If I don’t go, we gotta pack up and leave. Now I’m tired, Alice. I’m tired of watching my boys go hungry. I’m tired of the way that they look at me. I’m tired of the way that you don’t.”

    – Feminine dress. Although this is becoming less of “tell” due to the steadily decreasing masculinity in many male’s wardrobes.

    – An abnormally large number of female friends with whom they have never been involved (There are exceptions, ie. club promoters)

    – Consistent increase in the number of male friends (not business contacts). Straight guys hardly bring new males into their inner circle.

    There are more that I have observed but I will stop there. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

    Posted by Mark | July 16, 2012, 10:13 AM
    • Wow those are awesome and deeper than a lot of the other signs you hear about. Those sound accurate. If you have more, please share 🙂

      “The eyes are windows to the soul” – so true!

      Posted by 30thoughts | July 16, 2012, 8:28 PM
      • I would also consider the following as reasons for concern.

        – Keeping secrets regarding any of their friend’s sexuality. A few friends of mine have drastically decreased their interaction with a friend of theirs who hid the fact that a mutual associate of theirs was gay. They now wonder about his sexuality.

        – Living in an areas known for being predominantly gay.

        There are many “red flags” which are hard to describe but I know it when I see it. There’s a very famous married actor whom I see at 24hr fitness around 1am to 2am quite often, whom of which I became confident is gay after observing him from time to time. I do not want to give it away, but some things came out recently about him that confirmed it.

        It’s a crazy world out there. My advice to women is to never be blinded by what you want to see in a person. They have to objectively assess each situation (as we all do), as it could save them from a broken heart, the pangs of betrayal, and even their lives.

        Posted by Mark | July 20, 2012, 2:13 PM
      • That is so true!! I wonder who the actor is you’re referring to. So many of them are! Thanks for your help and participation in discussing this topic. I’m sure this will be useful to some woman somewhere.

        My reason for writing the article and why I am saddened by the lack of discussion is that I suppose this topic is still taboo. This has little to do with slamming the gay community and everything to do with deception. It’s something we desperately need to talk about, and be open with our friends and family about, but many avoid the topic.

        I refuse to believe there are no ways of knowing, but like Oprah and I said, there’s something called intuition that we ALL have, not just women. USE IT!

        Posted by 30thoughts | July 20, 2012, 7:42 PM
    • I appreciate the point about increase in new male friends – you are so right – straight guys don;t do that.
      AND I will pay more attn to how he looks at other men

      Posted by Jacqueline Demko | November 27, 2015, 2:16 PM
  2. You’re welcome and thanks for writing this article.

    I agree that there needs to be more discussion regarding this because this is a very serious matter.

    Posted by Mark | July 24, 2012, 12:01 AM
  3. I say following your instinct is the best way to go. Humans are the only animals who don’t always trust their instinct. Which is awful

    Posted by Erica | July 29, 2012, 9:25 PM
    • @Erica “Humans are the only animals who don’t always trust their instinct.” I never thought about this, but this is true. What keeps us from going with our gut? We always get that feeling that something’s not quite right, but we still proceed. Smh. When will we learn? Well, not me lol, but people who don’t trust their instincts.

      Posted by 30thoughts | July 30, 2012, 10:40 AM
  4. Frank Ocean?Never heard of him.

    Posted by Socialkenny | August 5, 2012, 9:34 PM
    • Wow! really? It’s been all over the news. He’s an R&B singer. The first to ever openly admit he’s gay. I applaud him. I’d rather have him be open about it than to lead a life of deception.

      Posted by 30thoughts | August 6, 2012, 8:38 PM
      • I’m more into my 90’s R&B,not this new millennium stuff.It was just the other day I found out who Neo,Chris Brown and all of them were.

        I guess being open is best

        Posted by Socialkenny | August 6, 2012, 9:21 PM
      • Wow! I guess since I’m an internet junkie, I stay current on all the latest in pop culture. I have to. Shame on you for just finding out who Chris Brown is lol

        Posted by 30thoughts | August 6, 2012, 9:38 PM
  5. I’m an internet junkie too what you mean lol!?Afterall,I am a fellow blogger.But I just don’t dig any R&B joints after 2001(I personally feel that R&B and Hiphop died after 2001).

    So you telling me Chris Brown’s and Neo’s can mess with the old R.Kelly,Ginuwine,Tyrese,Joe’s and Jagged Edge!!?

    Posted by Socialkenny | August 6, 2012, 10:04 PM
    • LOL you can’t be an internet junkie and NOT know who Chris Brown is lol…sorry it just isn’t possible!

      I’m not saying their music is better, the Neyos and Chris Browns, but they are definitely world renowned celebs whereas Joe and Jagged Edge (although talented) are not.

      Posted by 30thoughts | August 6, 2012, 10:44 PM
  6. I do know of Neo and C.Brown and them but I found out about them pretty late.

    And whether they’re renown or not,they cannot touch any of the older heads from the 90’s musically.

    You must be under 22 years of age if you claim that these R&B cats of today are better than the 90’s.

    Posted by Socialkenny | August 6, 2012, 11:03 PM
  7. Lol @ family blog.

    More like a freaky blog.That’s why I’m here.

    Posted by Socialkenny | August 7, 2012, 1:19 AM

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