relationship rhetoric

Be With the One You Love…


…or Love the One You’re With?

I think it’s safe to say that, in relationships, timing is everything.  The chances of meeting someone who feels the exact same way about you at the exact same time, and who wants exactly what you want when you want it has proven to be an anomaly. So, it is interesting that most would advise you to leave or stop dating a significant other,  who is not ready to be in a committed relationship/marriage if that is what you want at that particular time.

I have a friend, who shall remain nameless, who was dating a particular guy.  He was everything she wanted and I believe the same was true for him.  They dated for a matter of months, and while they were both in like with each other, she was ready for a family, but he was not.  Although she felt some kind of way about this guy, she wanted what she wanted and became involved with a different guy who was much less desirable in terms of baggage, aesthetics and age, but who was willing to give her what she wanted at that time – a family. They eventually married, but she is often riddled with regret with regard to her decision to marry her husband.

Other relationships that lend themselves to the ‘be with the one you love’ dilemma are what I like to call, Dragons, Cheetahs and Chameleons.

Dragons are basically committed relationships that drag on merrily for months and even years, with no promise of a deeper commitment.

Cheetahs are just that – relationships where men/women cheat because they are not ready to be committed to just one woman or one man at that particular time, but where they  don’t want to lose their partner, so they pretend to be monogamous.

Chameleons resemble real monogamous relationships, but no commitment has been made by either party – perpetual dating.

I could go on with examples of situations where women are often faced with the decision to be with the one they love or love the one they’re with. And, while we all know that there are other fish in the sea, why is a woman considered to be selling herself short or stupid if she chooses to be with the one she loves?  When there is blatant disrespect involved as with cheetahs, I understand, but with dragons and chameleons, why should she leave? I’ve seen all 3 instances end favorably for the woman – being that she ultimately got the ring and the life she wanted WITH the man she wanted.

Besides, are there really plenty of fish in the sea?  Isn’t finding true love rare? If it is, then why not try to make it work with the one you love rather than starting anew? It’s slim pickings out there, so my advice would be to be with the one you love. After all, for most, isn’t it the love, not the lifestyle, that we crave?

What would you tell a loved one in a similar situation? Be with the one they love or love the one they’re with?

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Discussion

11 thoughts on “Be With the One You Love…

  1. TT:

    Is this question directed at women only?

    Posted by Mark | September 11, 2012, 2:32 PM
    • No, it’s open to everyone! 🙂

      Posted by 30thoughts | September 11, 2012, 7:56 PM
      • Great! 😉 Assuming that the person knows what “love” is, I would advise them to be with the one they love. That being said, I would not advise waiting on someone to come around to wanting a family, unless their reasoning for choosing to wait had merit. If their rationale makes sense, I would advise the person to be patient while keeping in mind that does not mean waiting forever.

        Posted by Mark | September 12, 2012, 12:54 AM
      • You’re always so on point. Love can be mistaken for many other things, so true, and I wouldn’t advise waiting around for someone to change their mind on such a poignant issue as children or even marriage. If they have honestly expressed that they want neither and you do, it’s time to move on. I agree 100%

        Posted by 30thoughts | September 12, 2012, 1:31 AM
      • Thanks and I agree with you also.

        Posted by Mark | September 12, 2012, 1:46 AM
  2. If the person you love doesn’t love you w/ the same level of passion or intensity, it’s settling. Sometimes women lull themselves into thinking “well I been here this long, I may as well”. That’s not love IMO. That’s creating a false reality because you’re too scared to keep on looking. Like Mark said, waiting is fine; because people can change. But if it’s been 5, 6 yrs and there’s been no progression, that’s a problem. I’ve had friends in this situation and I’ve always told them, if the dynamics have changed (ex: you moved to be w/ them, you guys got a place together, you had an “oops” baby, etc) but their mindset hasn’t, you need to do a relationship inventory and make a choice that aligns w/ your personal goals

    Posted by JDoubleU | September 14, 2012, 7:11 AM
    • But, is it really waiting? Aren’t you just continuing to be in relationship with that person? I know that at this age, I will not and cannot wait x amount of years to get to where I want to be in a relationship, which is ultimately marriage, but if I were younger, and wanted to be with a particular person, I don’t think I would leave a situation where I am in love and presumably the man is too, and my only reasoning for terminating the relationship is because he won’t give me what I want when I want it. Whatever happened to patience? Are you really settling if that person is who you want to be with? I’m talking about a situation where two people do love each other, the timing is just wrong. He’s not ready, she’s not ready. She’s too young, he’s not financially stable etc.

      Posted by 30thoughts | September 14, 2012, 8:45 AM
      • Of course when you’re young, you have time to waste LOL but if you’re consciously aware that timing, not the person, is wrong, I think that’s a different discussion. That’s a huge reason why I think people can have more than 1 soulmate. The type of person you fall in love with at 21 or 22 is usually drastically differently at 30+. So even though love is often blind, patience still sometimes has an expiration date you know? Like you said your girl is riddled with regret because she let her lack of patience make a decision that maybe her heart didn’t really want to make.

        There’s an upside to settling depending on what the compromise is. Although I wouldn’t agree that it’s slim pickings out here.

        Posted by JDoubleU | September 14, 2012, 10:20 AM
      • “Although I wouldn’t agree that it’s slim pickings out here.” That’s because you’re a guy! But I won’t go there lol

        Posted by 30thoughts | September 14, 2012, 8:04 PM
      • And yes, it’s much easier to practice patience when you’re young, but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t always be practiced. It is more of a biological urgency she felt thoufh (as a guy you wouldn’t understand)
        Hmmm more than one soulmate…I agree because of this definition.

        “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.”

        Posted by 30thoughts | September 14, 2012, 8:09 PM

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