male box, relationship rhetoric

Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

I was thinking to myself the other day – I have NEVER been hit on at church.  Real, genuine churchgoing men are like unicorns, so why when I take my seat in the pews seeing all manner of men before me like I’ve just landed at the other end of the rainbow, I always leave empty-handed – no pot of gold, no man?  A goon will hit on you anywhere, but the good guys at church don’t approach. Why is that?

Gentlemen, listen up! The church holla is TOO easy. Here are a few reasons why:

*You get to hold her hand EVERY time they pray, and there’s often a lot of touching and talking going on (especially if you attend a Black church), e.g. touch 2 people and say___, hug your neighbor and say___, point at your neighbor and tell them ___, pull on your neighbor’s arm, and the like.

*We’re emotional at church (if we’re truly “saved”).  It’s like in the movies, when a man and a woman who initially hate each other’s guts, after a few car chases and brushes with death, fall head over heels in love.  This could just be idealistic writing and have no bearing on real life, but I think there’s some truth to it.  Enduring dangerous, intense and spiritually charged situations does create a bond – there’s an air of vulnerability that will give you an opportunity to see the real her.

*Churches encourage social interaction. It is one of the few places where a total stranger can walk up to you and you won’t think he’s just trying to get in your pants.  I mean, ‘what kind of heathen would be thinking about sex…at church?’

*She will automatically think you’re a good guy, so her defenses will be down.  This is sort of an extension of the previous one, but emphasizes that the woman will have already assumed some things about you before you even approach her – good things.

*Sermons are great conversation starters. All you have to do is ask, “so what did you think of the sermon? Or what aspect of the sermon affected you most?”

If I had to guess, I would hypothesize that men don’t step to women at church because they feel it’s inappropriate. If this is how you feel, let me tell you, the church holla could not be MORE appropriate.  God is for the church holla because he wants us to be equally yoked, duh.  So, next time, you go to church, sit next to  that beautiful woman you see every Sunday, and after service, ask her out. You’ll be glad you did.

Guys, have you ever tried the church holla?  If so, were you successful? Is it something you would recommend to your friends?  Are there any men who would never approach a woman at church? If so, why not?  Ladies, have you longed for a nice God-fearing man to make a move on you at church, to your dismay?  Have you been hit on at church?  If so, is it rare or a common occurrence?



32 thoughts on “Why Men Should Hit on Women at Church

  1. If I had to guess, I would hypothesize that men don’t step to women at church because they feel it’s inappropriate

    Yes, I believe this to be true. Just coming out and flirting with a woman at church would probably make me feel as uncomfortable as the woman herself. I could see if a man was interested in a woman he met at church and then invited her to lunch or dinner afterwards and then spoke of his attraction. To me, that would appear more plausible.

    Alas, I’m sure it’s a common occurrence though, cause as you stated there’s a generous amount of hugging and touching taking place between men and good-smelling sistas dressed in thin dresses.

    Good read.

    Posted by don | October 13, 2012, 12:31 AM
    • Thanks don, for commenting. I agree that flirting in church may be awkward, but if you’ve been eyeing a particular lady for a while, you don’t really have to flirt with her. Just catch her after church in the foyer (black churches love to use this word lol) and ask her out. The macking should not interrupt her experience or yours, and it doesn’t have to. There’s probably some woman right now in YOUR congregation who’s hoping you’ll step to her. Are there any other reasons why a guy wouldn’t hot on a woman at church?

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 13, 2012, 12:46 AM
      • Are there any other reasons? Hmm. You mean, besides the pastor already secretly dating many of the women in church?

        Similar to a workplace/office romance, there’s always a slight chance that it won’t turn out as expected. In the event that one or both parties hold animosity towards the other, that will be even less of your personal life spreaded among members of the church.

        Posted by Don | October 14, 2012, 6:26 PM
      • Also, a very good reason I hadn’t thought of…

        Posted by 30thoughts | October 15, 2012, 8:21 PM
  2. I have never stepped to a woman at church because I always felt it was inappropriate. Also, my mindset changes when I enter church similar to the gym and I become focused on the reason I am there. As a result, I have never approached a woman in the gym either. That being said, you raised some good points and I must say that I would consider approaching a woman at church in the future.

    Posted by Mark | October 14, 2012, 4:18 PM
    • Yes, you should definitely consider it. How are you supposed to meet a nice Christian woman, and a woman meet a nice Christian man if not at church? Where would people of the same religious faith meet or I should ask, where DO they meet?

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 15, 2012, 8:26 PM
  3. Those are good questions and I believe the best place to do so is at church. My church has a lot of events outside of Saturday and Sunday Service, and Bible Study which I would think makes it a lot easier for people to meet. Outside of that, it has not been often that I have cross paths with women of like faith (Christian). Where DO they meet from your perspective?

    Posted by Mark | October 16, 2012, 12:37 PM
    • I don’t think they do! That to me is the problem. Unless, you are an active member and involved, it is unlikely you will get to know people of like faith on a regular. Maybe lol

      Some folks don’t go to church every Sunday, either because they can’t or they work. Whatever the case may be, guys shouldn’t feel weird about asking a girl out at church. Like I said, as long as it’s before or after service, I don’t see what the problem is.

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 16, 2012, 8:41 PM
  4. Good point! Also, I don’t think you should ask her out immediately. That is when both may feel it is awkward or inappropiate. Establish a ‘friendship/relationship’ over a few weeks. Laughing at the ‘church lady’, praying for a sick member, the touching and hugging that 30Thoughts suggested then, go in for the kill, lol. Maybe even after you’ve impressed her by singing with the choir on Men’s Day. Good luck!

    Posted by DailyDealn | October 16, 2012, 8:28 PM
    • Great suggestions, DailyDealn!! I like the idea of waiting and impressing her with your involvement in the church. That way, she’ll get to check you out too, and once you decide to approach, she will already have some idea as to whether she’s interested in getting to know you or not.

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 16, 2012, 8:43 PM
  5. I guess I’ve always felt a little weird about hitting on women in church. There are lots of women who have significant others that don’t attend church, for starters. Second, church people are nosy. I don’t want everybody in my business like that. I will admit though, if there’s one place where a guy wants to go to look for women, it would be church. Some women are banking on the prayers they send out for a good man, and lots of them believe that he is going to walk through those church doors one day.

    Posted by Mr. Chap | October 17, 2012, 5:55 AM
    • LOL@ a man walking through the church doors!! But you are so right. Another guy I talked to offline mentioned the nosy factor. But, I go to a pretty large church when I go, so I can’t see how anyone would know or if they’d care that some dude and I are talking in the foyer about getting cozy. Nevertheless, I understand that’s a concern.

      To your second point about women having significant others, how will you know until you approach them?? I think men think just because a woman has it “going on” she’s booed up. That’s usually NOT the case b/c men don’t even approach her to find out. She sits her fine behind at home every Friday night b/c guys think she’s taken.

      Isn’t it sad that the ONE place (as you so correctly stated) a guy can go to find a decent woman is the one place where men usually won’t approach women??

      Posted by 30thoughts | October 17, 2012, 6:14 AM
  6. ‘The Church Holla’! I luv the way you put that. lol

    I’ve never tried that church holla. I definitely fall in the category of men who viewed it as out of line. I just never wanted to be viewed as a dude who went to church just to get some coo. That’s the furthest from the truth, so I never even thought twice about crossing that line.

    I can’t say I’d never approach a woman at church. I just have to gain more confidence when it comes to approach women in general first. I’m still a work in progress…yeah I can finally admit it. lol

    Posted by Up4Dsn | November 10, 2012, 4:41 AM
    • lol@ “coo”
      It amazes me how many men never even thought twice about the church holla and never do it! I feel like a martyr…like because I’ve opened your eyes to this, there will be a few more men meeting a lot more equally yoked women. Please let me know how it goes if and when you decide to step up lol

      If you don’t mind me asking though, do you think women at church would be more or less easygoing/resistant to entertaining a church holla? Like I said, I think they are more easygoing, but what are your thoughts? And does how you perceive them play a part in you not asking them out?

      Posted by 30thoughts | November 10, 2012, 5:36 AM
      • You know I don’t mind you asking me any questions. Ask away!

        I still feel like a woman’s response could go either way. I’d like to be optimistic and say she’d be more receptive in church…but ya never know. I did like the suggestions you made of breaking the ice. Those could probably go a long way in making things transition smoothly.

        I’m not going to put it on women. I know my issue is personal. I just lack what I need to step up and approach a woman. That’s all on me. I can’t put that on the women.

        I’m not sure how you’d feel about it, but I would luv to discuss this topic further on a podcast. Let me know if you’d be down to do that. Thanks!

        Posted by Up4Dsn | November 18, 2012, 2:32 AM
      • 🙂 I’d love to do a podcast discussing this topic! You have my info. Contact me with the details.

        Posted by 30thoughts | November 18, 2012, 7:07 AM
  7. When I go to church and decide to holla at a church girl, I feel they may think it’s inappropriate and may not like it. When we are church hearing the word we should be focused on the message and not the booty. I have never tried this approach but maybe I should.

    Posted by KoolKappa | January 16, 2013, 5:44 AM
  8. This was a very good read. I go to a large church and there are lots of woman and I often see someone I’m attracted to but like some of the other brothas I just don’t think it would be appropriate or be known as that dude at the church. But maybe I will give it a try.

    Posted by Theo | April 19, 2013, 3:40 AM
    • @Theo – Thanks I’m glad you enjoyed it. If you approach her correctly and with good intentions, you should be just fine. Good luck and feel free to come back and share your experience if and when you do decide to go in lol

      Posted by 30thoughts | April 19, 2013, 3:48 AM
  9. I think there should be nothing wrong with it after service. I do recommend you two make friends first for a bit then the guy can ask out her out for something casual, coffee and such. I am going to try this.

    Posted by End | June 18, 2013, 6:32 AM
  10. WOW! Just imagine getting rejected while IN A CHURCH!!!! That is even a new low! Do you have to say a prayer before or after the rejection?

    Posted by dave | June 22, 2013, 6:42 PM
    • I think that’s the problem with most men. You’re setting yourself up for failure. This article was supposed to show you that women are more open than they would be in other settings, which lessens the chances of rejection. I would say a prayer before you approach lol. It couldn’t hurt 😉

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 22, 2013, 9:18 PM
  11. My God which country do you people come from.It must be close to heaven.Down where I come from (Africa) its quite the opposite.Here you have to reach a certain level of spirituality for you to be trusted that you don’t have any hidden agendas with the ladies.And that’s just the church leaders.I remember one of my friends was chatting with a lady after the service and a pastor went to them and said something along the lines of whats going on here.And he didn’t even have any intentions of going past just friendship.Thats just level one.The ladies are kinda snobish.There is class warfare, like you have to be some guy with cash or popularity in church for you to be succesfull with the ladies.They want to be seen with Mr IT.Well most of my church dudes aren’t coming to church no more so I decided to become scarce as well.At least the ladies are genuine outside.Maybe i’ll return when Im Mr IT.

    Posted by Shingie | June 30, 2013, 2:59 AM
  12. I am a Christian widow. I am not interested in being hit on at church. I have been, and it is totally creepy and completely unwelcome. I’m not talking about an innocent, “Hi, my name is so and so, I noticed you often are on your own at church and I was wondering if you’d like to get a cup of coffee sometime.”

    I’m talking, FIRST time I ever lay eyes on them: “Are you single?! You’re hot! Do you have a boyfriend? I notice you have kids, I like your kids… ” and so on. I felt like puking after this experience. This guy was what I call a “Church sex troller.” They are out there and they are just scum.

    Posted by marymvalentine | August 17, 2015, 1:44 AM
    • Oh, and this guy even came and sat behind me and started passing me notes AND when I went to the restroom to get away from him, he started pestering my 23 year old daughter and her fiancé about information about me! I thought my daughter’s fiancé was gong to ‘escort’ him out of the building for a minute, but he finally relented and left before the service was over. Yeah. BIZARRE. So, boys, if you’re interested in a woman you go to church with, make is respectful, NOT DURING service, and keep it casual and genuine. Your first ‘love’ should be Christ, anyway, so not being ‘accepted’ by a woman is not the end of the world. Pray, and keep your eyes on the Lord, and all these things will be added unto you as well for the Lord knows you have need of them.

      Posted by marymvalentine | August 17, 2015, 1:53 AM
      • @marymvalentine The advice you give is no different from the advice I give. Again, men should definitely (respectfully) hit on women at church.

        Posted by 30thoughts | November 14, 2015, 8:22 AM
      • “Unpleasant experience”? How about, “revolting experience”. And hot news flash for you: congregations everywhere contain a percentage of creepy, predatory men. I have had to fend off many more than this one. So, yeah, it’s affected me. I regard most approaches with deep-seated suspicion.

        As for what a Christian woman wants, I can only speak to who I am, and what motivates me: I go to church to worship the Lord. I go to seek His will. I go to be built up in the body of Christ and grow in Christ. I don’t go to find a date or be ‘hit on’, subtly or politely, because without fail, my experience with being ‘hit on’ has been the same as saying, “What can you give me? I want you to make me happy and not lonely. Never-mind what you need, it’s all about you making me feel great! WHAT? Your first priority is not providing me with gratification? You’re not off your head with joy at this opportunity… the opportunity of ME? Pfft. You must be frigid or a lesbian.” Yes, fellows, I have actually had men (plural intended) call me frigid and lesbian because I refused their advances. When I was young, it was searing, now, I’m like, “Seriously? Get a life.”

        Look, I adore men… good men, and I understand that not all men are like this. I understand that single Christian men are searching for someone to love and someone to love them. It’s hard for you. Where are you to go? Particularly if you are widowed or divorced or middle aged. Online dating? YUCK! What a crap shoot that is! Believe me, I get it. I understand. I’m just suggesting: Don’t “hit” on any woman. I loathe that term. Instead, work on being what God wants you to be just because you love HIM. He knows what you need, but seek Him first. THEN, work on keeping your focus on Him – be filled with the Spirit daily. IF a man at my church really wanted to know me, he would have to first want to work hard to develop a sincere friendship with me – sans sexual pressure. My late husband understood this well. He appreciated me for who I am: moody or not moody, skinny or fat, old or young, sick or well, and at the risk of sounding cliché, he loved my mind. That, boys, is firecracker, KA-BOOM, out of this world ‘the thing’ for me. Catch is, it is not easy to woo this way. It takes perseverance and humility. It is what I would give if ever I found the right Godly man. I gave it to my late husband. 31 years together. The hardest thing that I have come to accept is the possibility that I might not get to have anyone else, and you know what? I’m good with it.

        Posted by marymvalentine | November 16, 2015, 12:58 AM
      • @marymvalentine As you noted, if Christian men don’t approach women at church, where else would they meet other like minded Christian women? Also, I am not advocating creepiness, and just bc a guy does ask a woman out at church doesn’t mean that his only intentions in attending church are to find a mate.

        Posted by 30thoughts | November 16, 2015, 9:38 PM
    • Of course, I am talking about a harmless hello or chat at church. You are speaking from an unpleasant experience. For the most part, men would not use the latter approach you mentioned. Furthermore, saying that you are “not interested in being hit on at church” contradicts what you say below. It seems you really wouldn’t mind being hit on at church as long as the guy’s approach is subtle and polite.

      Posted by 30thoughts | November 14, 2015, 8:19 AM


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