male box, relationship rhetoric

Are Men to Blame for High Divorce Rates?


sb10062414m-001Yes, they absolutely are! (That’s right, I SAID IT), which means, if they are the problem, they are also the solution.  Men are doing the choosing 99 percent of the time, and as Patti Sanger would say, “your pickers are OFF!” You’re allowing your little head to do the thinking and, as a result, you end up wifing women who are either bat sh** crazy or gold digging, cold-blooded spawns of Satan who, after they’ve gotten the ring, show their true colors.

As a dating veteran, what I’ve realized is men who are looking for serious relationships are not asking enough OR the right questions.  All they know by the end of the first date is that the chick used to be a gymnast and she was voted most likely to become a stripper in high school. Furthermore, as the dating process continues, emphasis is heavily placed on appearance and sex.  Sex clouds a man’s judgment, as well.  Then when you get your heart broken, you want to pop off about how there’s no good women out there when most of you are choosing the WRONG women to begin with. When I say this, most men (seemingly aware that their picker is in fact off) ask me what they should be looking for and what questions will help them determine whether a woman is fit to be their queen and this is what I say:

Men need to write down or commit to memory their 5 dealbreakers or non-negotiables (many women already do this), and stick to them regardless of what other superficial qualities that woman brings to the table. Meaning, if your date possesses one of your 5 non-negotiables, even if she’s drop dead gorgeous, you must walk away if you are truly interested in finding a wife or a life partner, not just another bed buddy.

Your 5 non-negotiables will ultimately dictate the main questions you’ll ask- but here are 10 telling questions to ask your potential mates.

1.  If you won a million dollars, what would you do?

2.  Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years personally and professionally?

3.  How do you feel about divorce?

4. Do you want to be married/have children? When?

5.  Are you a lesbian or bisexual?

6.  What is your idea of marriage/why do you want to be married?

7.  Do you believe in monogamy (considering this is the type of relationship you want)?

8.  What was your parents’ relationship like? Were they ever married?

9.  What was your dad like?

10. What is a common complaint your exes have about you?

#10 is a personal favorite of mine because I have found that the biggest complaint often rears its ugly head in ALL of their relationships, and is something that should be addressed and dealt with early on, especially if it is one your dealbreakers.

Furthermore, you should introduce your potential mate to family and friends and really take into account their thoughts and feelings towards her. Is she kind to strangers/compassionate? Treat dates like a fun and interesting job interview.  Women are often asking ALL the questions, and ultimately determine whether you are a good match for them, but you should also be considering whether she is a good match for you.

Dedicated to… he knows who 

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Discussion

24 thoughts on “Are Men to Blame for High Divorce Rates?

  1. TT:

    While I can see men being the reason for the majority of divorces (given they are doing the choosing more times than not), I believe women play a monumental destructive role in many divorces.

    Is it wrong to have 24 deal breakers? Ha 😉

    Your list of questions is excellent, and #10 is the crown jewel. The only problem is whether or not most would answer that question truthfully if they really want to be with you.

    Posted by Mark | January 16, 2013, 6:28 AM
    • I agree that women do things that cause a man to divorce them, but the flaws they exhibit after marriage are usually present before marriage, men just have their blinders on. I also don’t think men truly know how to choose a mate or what to look for, what love is, and how to recognize it. I guess I’m just trying to help yall out lol
      24 deal breakers is a lot! You’ll probably never find a woman that will satisfy all 24 of them, but I know you will try 🙂

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 16, 2013, 6:50 AM
  2. Good questions for a woman to ask as well. Not all at once but maybe over the course of talking on the phone, first date, talking on the phone…

    Posted by redpilloutlaw | January 16, 2013, 11:02 AM
  3. Reblogged this on livingintherabbithole and commented:
    Interesting article for MEN and WOMEN. Check out the 5 questions..

    Posted by redpilloutlaw | January 16, 2013, 11:05 AM
  4. I don’t agree. My ex-wife traded me in for a younger model. I was married for thirteen years. So it was her who was to blame for the divorce

    Posted by Alastair | January 16, 2013, 3:02 PM
    • I’m sorry that your wife left you for “a younger model,” but her doing so is a character flaw that I feel can also be spotted while dating if she were asked the right questions. If that is truly why she left you (there are 2 sides to every story) then she is obviously superficial, and this was likely evident during the courting stages, you just either missed it or you dismissed it, but I guarantee there were signs.
      My article suggests that there are ways to determine a person’s character and proclivities during the dating process, it’s just that a lot of men don’t know how to recognize these things or they are caught up in the physical aspects of the relationship and get side tracked.
      Some women also choose the wrong men, but because men are doing the proposing most of the time, THEY need to be more inquisitive and careful when selecting their potential mates. Thanks for reading and commenting. I truly hope the article helped!

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 17, 2013, 1:38 AM
  5. I agree with you. I also think some women have blinders on as well. While I am on a continuous search for red flags to the point where I may see things that aren’t there when I am dating (I am not at the moment), your help is appreciated. lol. I hope a lot of men read this.

    I was just joking about the 24 deal breakers 😉

    Posted by Mark | January 16, 2013, 10:16 PM
    • Sure you were lol. But, I agree, women overlook a lot of red flags, but they aren’t proposing most of the time, you are, so have to take a more proactive approach in screening potential mates 😉 Good luck! It’s rough out there lol

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 17, 2013, 1:40 AM
  6. Interesting post. While I cannot agree that men are 100% responsible for high divorce rates for reasons I will expand upon later, I can agree that there are a large percentage of men who do NOT take the time to get to know the women they are involved with. In my observations, I have found this to be all too common. Due diligence is not routinely practiced during the initial phases of the relationship (including the honeymoon period). Neither is it revisited as the relationship progresses through its many phases. Men and women alike should make it a point to ‘learn’ their partner. Especially if marriage is an option down the line. Why would one not want to know everything about the person they intend on spending the remainder of their life with is baffling. To some, less is more and ignorance is bliss. To each is own I guess, and their relationship pitfalls are their own problems.

    As far as men being fully responsible for divorce rates,…I find it difficult to take this point seriously as there are inherent problems with such a thought. But it makes for good convo, so I will briefly indulge.
    If this is what you truly believe(which I don’t think you do, but if you do…), you are absolving women of any responsibility for their role in the demise of their relationships. At the risk of being controversial, I will state the obvious: we all are very much aware that generally women and accountability are the equivalent of oil and water. As a direct result of societal coddling, the two just don’t mix well. So placing blame squarely on men’s shoulders is not only perpetrating another form of societal coddling that does nothing to encourage the self improvement many women need, but its dangerous ground and does nothing to foster a viable solution to relationship problems.
    Sorry for the long response btw.

    Posted by Mr SoBo | January 17, 2013, 2:37 AM
    • I appreciate your response and for indulging me, but I actually do believe that men’s failure to do their “due diligence,” as you stated, in vetting their partner properly before marrying them is the reason so many marriages are ending in divorce. I think men are far too superficial and easily distracted by appearances and sex. It can be obvious to others around them that the woman they are seeing is not up to par, not really into them, or is not a nice person but if she has a phat a**, they’ll likely overlook her shortcomings.
      Just as people criticize women who say they had no idea their husband was a cheater, a liar or whatever else, I call BS. There are almost ALWAYS signs of incompatibility and flaws in character, but sometimes men and women don’t know how to, not only spot the signs, but determine what certain behavior says about a person and how it can adversely affect their relationship long term.
      I don’t say men are the blame because I think they are bad people and solely responsible for the demise of a “relationship,” but I do think they are not looking for the right things or asking the right questions, and since they’re usually the ones proposing marriage, if they pick the wrong chick, it is essentially THEIR fault. That’s why I provided some questions that I think will help men to discover some of the many things they should know about their girl before marrying her.

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 17, 2013, 3:55 AM
      • You and I actually agree here on the matter of men and women not doing their homework. The only exception is the general accountability for divorce which you lay at the hands of men. If men are filing more for divorce than women, then perhaps you would have a point. But you haven’t provided those numbers. Even still, the position you present is flawed because it is rooted in presumption and doesn’t take into account instances where there is no pre-existing exhibition of undesirable behavior. Your assuming all divorce is a result of willful ignorance to obvious signs. We know that is certainly not the case. But your point is well taken.

        In the end we all have flaws, and will find flaws in our mates(even the ones we marry). Their[divorcees] mistake was thinking they could live with those flaws forever and ever until death did them part. You too will share that very same optimism when the time comes…thats if you haven’t taken that step already. We all will.

        Posted by Mr SoBo | January 17, 2013, 6:32 AM
      • To me, it doesn’t matter who filed for divorce if many of the basic questions that I include in the article are discussed and understood from the get go. I have an example for you, true story. A man assumed that his wife, like himself, did not believe in divorce, even though she had been divorced before and they never discussed what her feelings about divorce were.

        If I am the one doing the choosing, I am going to be darn certain that he and I are compatible, meaning that we are on the same page as far as our core values are concerned.

        By mentioning that we simply choose to deal with certain flaws in our mates, but we later realize that these are things we cannot live with and no longer want to live with, you’ve essentially proven what I’m saying. Overlooking certain flaws, differences, traits, behaviors etc. I believe it’s all there. Most of the time, it simply comes down to men making poor, uninformed decisions. That’s all I’m saying. But, I suppose if you still don’t agree, we can agree to disagree.

        Posted by 30thoughts | January 17, 2013, 11:17 AM
  7. Excellent post. I enjoyed it so much, I posted a link to it on my blog! When I meet someone, I ask a variation of most of your questions within the first few weeks.

    Posted by TalkingTwice Ms Jackson | January 17, 2013, 8:07 PM
  8. Stimulating read. I’ve never officially married, but I’d like to believe the question speaks of ending of relationships, period. So in that regard, I am inclined to believe that both men and women are capable of walking away. And that each question can and should be addressed to either individual, regardless?

    In the context of your post I will play the game though. Yes, I admit, good sex kind of overrides all doubt when it comes to a man finding, maintaining and ending an idea relationship with his life partner. Unfortunately, whatever signs are initially present that suggest “she might not be the one” are compromised in bed. And yes after the woman has broken the man’s heart, the majority of us will say some stupid ish like she wasn’t nothing but a ho anyway or she was crazy or she couldn’t cook or she wasn’t the one…blah, blah, blah.

    Nigga, please. You were absolutely LOVING that woman. Lol.

    To answer your question, ultimately BOTH sexes are to blame for divorce.

    Posted by don | January 22, 2013, 11:28 AM
    • *standing O* Thank you for admitting the obvious 🙂

      Thanks for playing, but truly you men need to do a better job choosing. I think it’s also that men want what they can’t have, so if a woman is into playing cat and mouse or knows how to play the game, she can essentially get and keep any man she wants simply by “playing the game” when she otherwise would not have been given the time of day. That’s how I think unattractive women end up with good looking men lol

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 22, 2013, 9:41 PM
  9. nice post. I am not sure nor will I even discuss who is to blame on divorce rates. What I can say is that there are some crafty liared (bajan slang) people out there who can really deceive. I may ask all the questions you ask there and get favourable answers but that doesn’t mean she isn’t what I really want. While I do agree that some men do choose wives by looking at superficial things etc, I don’t think it’s as black and white as the post seems to make it.

    Posted by petersburgh | January 26, 2013, 1:55 AM
    • Hmmm…when I wrote it, I mainly kept thinking about the wealthy guy/golddigger dynamic. I was watching Millionaire Matchmaker last night and she said it best. There was an older rich gentleman looking for love, but he constantly went for the “bombshell”. He made that same mistake on the show, but Patti said he should be looking for an 8, not a 10 (as far as looks are concerned). 10s, like the one he chose for his date who could barely speak English, tend to be more superficial and an 8 (still a good looking woman) will be less consumed with her looks and likely be more well rounded (beautiful + more).

      I’m sorry I have ZERO sympathy for these guys bc it’s hard for me to believe that men like him were “tricked” into believing that their lady truly loved them for who they were when it is SO obvious to others on the outside looking in. I’ll tell you how they get tricked though, they’re blinded by looks and sex. If you’re good at playing “the game,” a woman can have ANY man she wants.

      Furthermore, this is why I am an advocate for bringing these ppl around friends and family. If they’re anything like mine, they’ll keep it real as to how they feel about your boo.

      Sure, ppl can lie, but you have to begin to learn how to read ppl. It can be done, but not without questions. Can’t you tell when someone is being genuine and when they’re faking it? If not, you need to learn how.

      Posted by 30thoughts | January 26, 2013, 2:30 AM
  10. Well i would certainly say that much more women are the Cause of most Divorces since they are Cheating more these days.

    Posted by RealityCheck | February 23, 2015, 1:12 AM

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