relationship rhetoric

I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.


Single

A sad, but harsh reality is that Angelinos, for many reasons, are having difficulty finding satisfying and long-lasting relationships. While listening to Ryan Seacrest’s radio show on my way to work this morning, a female caller uttered these very words after being asked if she was single, “I’m forever single, I live in L.A.,” just before explaining that she caught her boyfriend cheating and how  she AND their daughter hadn’t heard from him in 6 years.  Her daughter being 6 years old, this means he left when she was just a baby, which makes this story even more disheartening.  Her sister, who was also on the line, was then prodded to share her story about how her husband left her for her best friend.  Both were trying to be positive, but you could hear it in their tone – they had basically given up on ever finding love in La La Land.

Stories like these are by no means rare, but are they more prevalent in certain regions of the country?  Many women I know, have dated, but have not had a real boyfriend in years, some 10 or more. Let’s explore some of the reasons why I think dating in L.A. may differ from dating in other areas.

Beautiful People

The people here are extremely body conscious, some plastic, but beautiful nonetheless. They come from all walks of life, countries, villages and towns. It’s like being a kid in a candy store here for both men and women – it’s hard to choose just one.  Furthermore, people here strive for perfection as though it actually exists.

The Land of Opportunity

L.A. is just that in more ways than one. Many flock here in hopes of being discovered and becoming the next big thing, but only a small minority of people actually fulfill those dreams .  Average Joes and Plain Janes have high hopes of meeting and dating celebrities way out of their league, believing that access to them, means they actually stand a chance.  This hope gives both men and women here unrealistic expectations as to their perceived “options”.

It’s Huge

L.A. is very spread out, unlike cities such as New York and D.C, so most people drive.  This significantly limits the opportunity to meet people while out and about, aside from meeting them at your final destination, wherever that may be (work, school, church, etc.).

Out of Towners

As a native, I can honestly say that people that are actually born and raised in L.A. are cool people. Out of Towners take on what THEY think is the persona of Angelinos, which is likely based on what they’ve seen on TV or in film. I would also venture to say that most Angelinos are not natives.

L.A. Dudes

They are a special breed. I will be interested to see this anomaly explored further in the upcoming show, I Hate L.A. Dudes by Awkward Black Girl producer, Issa Rae, and power director/producer, Shonda Rimes.  Having dated several L.A. Dudes and those from other parts of the country, I would say the major difference is their sense of entitlement and their outlook on life.  Most here place a higher value on  wealth and appearance rather than family and love.

Are the majority of Angelinos destined to be “forever single?”  Are we experiencing the same problems as others or is it more difficult to date here than elsewhere? 

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Discussion

20 thoughts on “I’m Forever Single…I Live in L.A.

  1. Are the majority of Angelinos destined to be “forever single?”

    I would venture to say the answer to this question is unfortunately “yes”, or even worse, they will be married briefly and then divorced. The issues of dating in L.A. exist for both men and women looking for a substantive relationship and they seem to be consistently becoming more formidable. While there are cities throughout LA County where you see lots of married couples/families, this seems to be the exception rather than the norm.

    I believe it is more difficult to date in most major US cities. In LA, the Hollywood illusion seems to be the nemesis, while the exaggerated importance placed on college and post-graduate degrees and the subsequent elitism that exists in Boston doesn’t bode well for the dating scene there as well (as far as the majority is concerned). I could name a few more but LA seems to get the most flack because the main catalyst (the “Hollywood” lifestyle/hoop dream) is widely broadcast through the various forms of media for the world to see.

    I believe this landscape can very disheartening for those looking for substance and good morals and while it may seem impossible, there are good men and women out there. Please write an article on where that is should you ever find out. jk 😉

    Posted by Mark | June 19, 2013, 12:34 AM
    • LOL! I just noticed that a couple of friends who relocated to NYC are now engaged/married and were in a serious relationship only months after moving. I found this interesting.

      Also, someone asked me recently about the dating scene here as she was considering relocating. I had nothing really positive to say unfortunately.

      I also know one other woman who moved to Texas, got married within a year, then moved back to Cali smh

      If I ever find out, I’ll probably keep it to myself for fear of word getting out before I get my pick lol.

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 19, 2013, 12:40 AM
      • I know several people in NYC and it has yet to turn out that way for them but it’s good to hear there’s hope.

        It’s good that you make up something positive or they would eventually be blaming because the dating forecast here is gloomy for the most part.

        Texas is no surprise to me. The vast majority of my extended family lives in Texas and some of them were married before they went to prom. I’m joking.

        Again, there are those pockets of LA such as El Segundo, Burbank, etc. I was in Burbank most of the day yesterday and I saw more married couples,many with children, than I can remember seeing in quite some time.

        Posted by Mark | June 19, 2013, 12:55 AM
      • LOL at “married before they went to prom.” It’s true though!! There’s just a different mindset. I agree…the Southbay and cities on the outskirts of LA may offer more of a family friendly environment.

        Posted by 30thoughts | June 19, 2013, 2:19 AM
      • Correction: It’s good that you DID NOT make up something positive or they would eventually be blaming you because the dating forecast here is gloomy for the most part.

        Posted by Mark | June 19, 2013, 12:56 AM
      • “I’ll probably keep it to myself for fear of word getting out before I get my pick”

        Ha! Ha!

        Posted by Chocolate Vent | June 19, 2013, 4:37 AM
      • For real though lol

        Posted by 30thoughts | June 19, 2013, 5:18 AM
  2. You forgot about how expensive it is here. That makes it especially difficult for out of towners to adjust to the new cost of living & the cost of dating.

    Plus there are a lot of people in the “entertainment industry” so it seems like every guy is broke.

    Not to mention there just aren’t that many of “us” out here anyway. There are plenty more men to choose from in DC or Chicago, but NOT here. Hhmmpphh…..

    Posted by Chocolate Vent | June 19, 2013, 4:36 AM
    • I did forget about that. Finances also play a large role in that most women would prefer a man that makes more money than they do, and women of all races are outnumbering men in earning professional degrees and in some cases salary-wise. Add to that the fact that most Black men prefer to be in a good financial position before considering marriage or getting serious, so that could be what’s causing them to delay marriage or not marry at all.

      Fortunately, I haven’t met many guys on that “entertainment industry” hustle and if I did they likely weren’t given the digits. But, you’re right that must be considered as well.

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 19, 2013, 5:27 AM
  3. Wow!! Have people become negative?? It seems like men are looking for women and women are looking for men so why can’t they be on the same page?? My theory is one that may seem offensive( I try, I’m sorry) but dammit it the truth.. There are plenty of handsome successful men looking for relationships or commitment but they’re looking for their equal.. A woman who owns, has a career, and it is not desperate to get married or have children , if a man puts you in a bootie call/ fuck buddy category you allowed it, appearing as though you plan on staying in that category .. When I look successful I attract successful men and when I do not, I fly under the radar.. Men want confident women but desperate
    I’m sorry living anywhere does not sentence you to a life of non committal relationships and NY does not have an overwhelming amount of men flocking to the alter.. But there is an overwhelming amount of confident successful woman .. Not always successful but def. I confident and that’s the key to keeping him interested .. Pretending you don’t care if he is.. Or actually finding something else to be interested in

    Posted by Autumn | June 19, 2013, 7:08 AM
    • That’s just it…why does being confidemt = playing games (acting uninterested when you clearly are). Maybe that’s it, I refuse to play the game. What happened to ppl just liking each other and being together like you said above?

      I am confident, but I am not good at hiding my feelings or pretending to be uninterested when I am. Usually, if a woman can play the game well, she will be married. You’re absolutely right. But, I don’t want to get married under false pretenses or because I tricked him into thinking that I really didn’t want him like that. I can only play that role when I truly am not interested.

      And honestly, most women could be married, they just don’t want to marry or be in relationships with the men that want them. Should women date down?

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 20, 2013, 12:33 AM
  4. Interestingly enough, my woman is a former Cali girl and she definitely owns a certain quality about herself that escapes me, yet similar to the female relatives of mine still living in California. So I too believed it to be a West Coast thing, as you touched upon.

    Unfortunately I can’t really add anything to the sentiment of the post because, although I know you are being serious, I cannot fathom you being single in the least bit. Or, should I say, remaining single for too much longer. As I reflect on your post, I believe it speaks well of you – the fact that you are single. It shows that you’re not one of those women who will date a man while clearly knowing he’s already involved. In that regard, your dating glass isn’t half empty…it’s more like half full to me.

    Posted by Don | June 19, 2013, 5:15 PM
    • That’s very sweet of you, Don. And I’m probably not a good example of the women I talk about in this post who have not had boyfriends in years, etc. Me being a tall chick, I have limited choices and I am probably trying to date the highly sought after 15% of the population lol. That’s my own fault, and maybe there are other deal breakers that are keeping others I know from finding boyfriend material.

      However, like someone mentioned on our FB discussion, maybe LA isn’t much difft dating-wise from other major cities. I just hear about the poor dating options from so many women and men, I can’t help but think there is a fundamental difference.

      If you don’t mind me asking, where do you live?

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 20, 2013, 12:23 AM
      • It’s nota ” game” per se.. Don’t come off a desperate.. Find something else to be interested in other than marriage and a baby.. A hobby anything .. The dude that commented is talking pure superficial .. Yes your beautiful , what else can you bring to the table to compliment him .. And lower quality of men have lower standards, less options..it’s that princess syndrome that’s what I call it.. A young lady waiting for Prince Charming to pass through but instead of a white horse you want a white Bentley .. Life’s not a fairy tale

        Posted by Autumn | June 20, 2013, 1:08 AM
      • Hmmm anytime you are not being forthcoming about your feelings, it’s a game. You can have other interests and hobbies, but when you really like or care for someone you want to spend time with them.

        It’s not to say you should lose interest in those things, but it is unusual for a woman or a man for that matter to meet someone they’re smitten by and not want to spend time with them. It’s just natural.

        I believe that I am perfect for the heart that’s meant to love me…meaning there will be no guessing or strategizing, no questions and no problems. I am willing to wait to meet that person rather than change who I am to be with someone. I don’t mean this in a Prince Charming idealistic sort of way either. This happened with my first love, and my second love, so I believe that it is possible to find someone who loves me for exactly who I am, and vice versa.

        Posted by 30thoughts | June 20, 2013, 1:32 AM
      • Also inclined to believe there’s a fundamental difference in the dating culture (and other aspects of life) within certain major metropolitan areas such as LA, NY, Miami, etc.

        Currently living in NOLA, but looking to move to North Beach, Maryland at the end of next summer.

        Posted by Don | June 20, 2013, 9:55 AM
      • I agree. There has to be some explanation.

        Anyway, good luck with your move and your California girl 😉

        Posted by 30thoughts | June 20, 2013, 8:20 PM
  5. 1. If you are over thirty, your market value is hurting you in LA as a woman

    2. The LA men & women are responding to each other. So, if LA dudes are superficial, I doubt the women are not that far behind.

    When Attraction is present, then & only then a love connection can take place. Not before.

    Good day.

    Posted by motrenaissance | June 20, 2013, 1:50 AM
  6. ….

    1. If you are over thirty, your market value is hurting you in LA as a woman

    2. The LA men & women are responding to each other. So, if LA dudes are superficial, I doubt the women are not that far behind.

    When Attraction is present, then & only then a love connection can take place. Not before.

    Good day.

    Posted by motrenaissance | June 20, 2013, 1:51 AM
    • I agree with #2 and your last statement, but not #1. I disagree for 1 reason, but sort of agree for a different reason not based on “market value”:

      1) People are getting married much later in life and I feel like I look better and feel better in my 30s than ever before. Women are in their prime. They’re confident, they know what they want sexually and otherwise AND they know who they are. Marrying young is great, but there’s nothing wrong with waiting either.

      2) I think when people get married later in life, it is hard for anyone to get past all the walls that people put up because they’ve been hurt before, and don’t know how to trust. Many women AND men in their 30s and 40s are bitter and jaded.

      Posted by 30thoughts | June 20, 2013, 2:03 AM

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