This video garnered so many different responses, I HAD to blog about it. Watch the video…here [STOP PRAISING BOYFRIENDS by Tony A. Gaskins Jr.]
As I watched the video, my first thoughts were ‘how tired I am of hearing men give women blanket relationship advice, as though all men are the same,’ and ‘Here we go again,’ because much of what Gaskins said was nothing women haven’t already heard. But then, he said something I had never heard any relationship expert -male or female – say before. Gaskins insisted that women stop “praising” their boyfriends. Praising, he explained, entails posting pictures of him on social media, and in so doing, taking yourself off the market; allowing him to have sex with you however he wants to have sex with you; bending over backwards for him; and boasting about the good things that he does. I was eager to understand why a man would insist that women not praise their boyfriends (only their husbands) and suggest that doing so could sabotage her chances of marrying said man.
Gaskins qualified his advice by noting that he has been married for 7 years, like simply being married for any length of time gives him supernatural authority to speak for all men. While I agreed that reserving sexual benefits for marital bliss is the ideal thing to do (not to get a man to marry you, but for women’s own sanity), I agreed more with a few of the male commenters who voiced their opinion regarding Gaskins’s unsolicited advice. My favorite male comment is below:
“Women do some things naturally. Experiencing love IS SOMETHING that they SHOULD be able to experience without hesitation. BUT because of “MEN + GAME + A.D.H.D.”, they don’t know what to do. They have to spend their time being strategic on how not to get hurt. That’s crazy as hell!! Not all women are looking to draw haters. Some of them are really happy to enjoy us. Instead of having that luxury, they wind up on a battlefield they have to learn to fight on. Its a shame that they are robbed of natural experiences because of childish games we play. We don’t understand that until a sister has us by the balls and she crushing our hearts in her red bottoms.
We, men, have the luxury of posting ANYTHING we want on Facebook BUT women have to watch everything THEY post. We can do whatever we want to do in our lives and know we will be forgiven for the worst of things BUT women have to watch everything they do. (Its no different than the disparities between whites and blacks in this world. Whites can walk into a store and not be watched but Blacks have to tolerate the eagle’s eye. Why?) There is absolutely no balance there. Only irresponsibility and a lack of respect for one another.
Women can be taught to be proud of the desires to please a man. GOD HIMSELF put that in them. BUT they can NEVER relax in that because of us men. We understand this when it comes to female relatives being mistreated by other men. Its clear as a bell then. There is another way to teach women how to deal with their natural “built-in” desires. Some of these bruthas need a good talking to. To ride past the fact that a brutha can’t appreciate a good woman that wants to please him, regardless of his options, is where the actual “damn shame” is. Not the other way around. I have little sisters, aunts, cousins, friends and a mother that have experienced the disrespectful acts of men. Married and not married, the result was the same.
So, can this same message be delivered to the men, some kind of way, as opposed to leaving all of the responsibility to the women? Because leaving all of the responsibility to the women, again, is something we take advantage of. Its not in our DNA to treat them poorly, its just another temptation we indulge in. We just excuse ourselves without a second thought. We have to get to the ROOT of the problem by raising these young men right and not let them get influenced by these “cancers” (e.g. Rap lyrics, reality shows, … etc.) in our society. We have to get to the ROOT!!”
Although his comment was long, everything this gentleman wrote NEEDED to be said. What has irked me the most, in dating, is that women have been urged and advised to go against their natural inclination to be nurturing and vulnerable. Single people are being advised to hold back and guard their hearts at all costs. Give nothing, so when things don’t work out, you will have lost nothing; failing to note that if you gave nothing, you also gained nothing. The root of the problem is not women who give too much, it’s the men who take from them with no remorse or accountability for their actions.
Just the other day, I had an epiphany. Sometimes, it isn’t anything you did wrong, or that you’re doing wrong, to keep yourself single. Sometimes, that particular man just isn’t for you. Sometimes the promiscuous girl gets the guy, and sometimes the girl with virtue and innocence wins his heart. That’s the beauty of it all; there is someone for everyone.
So, what are your thoughts on the video? Should a man have to commit to marrying a woman before he receives her praise? Should women reserve cooking and cleaning for their husbands? Are women who are giving their boyfriends “husband benefits” keeping themselves single by doing so?